2021

A year. It’s been a year since I wrote about my life. I’ve been writing a lot - but for everyone else, work, kids documents, the web content that has become the head honcho in Covid…

I moved back to Maui last April. I, meaning, me and three children - April, meaning during the shut down of Honolulu.

I couldn’t talk about it for the longest time… i had to let everything settle. die. tenderize. so you can cook it through and digest it instead of let it infect you and kill you in time. Isn’t that what we do with pain? we let it sit. we wash over that stiff tightness in our chest and smirk with sarcasm to get through the days..until one day it no longer seems real or something else saves us?

Where does the alternative life go? the other reality we spent so much effort to become … when we let it go - it becomes like a series of movie clips arriving at random moments of familiarity… the smell of garlic, like they used to always start the sauté with, the ring tone that woke us every morning at that irritatingly early pre-dawn hour, the grey and blue linen covers that used to represent comfort and safety for so many years… i don’t think it truly ever goes away. i think it just becomes a softened scar tissue etched forever in our beings…bringing us a sickness and nostalgia all at the same time. 

What’s crazy is how long it takes to cry. not cry like it hurts - that happens continuously…but… cry like it died. saying goodbye to what will never be again. that … takes bravery. a bravery some never will have. I don’t really know if I’m brave but I know it’s taken everything in me to try to be.

I missed it here. The rain, the chill, the cow pastures and the quiet neighborhoods. no coqui frogs or crickets like big island now has everywhere - thank god, maui has kept its serenity in the mountains like i knew in my childhood. 

It’s been 16 years since I moved away from Maui. I’ve been back every couple years but usually just for a couple days or so to catch up with family… There was no Target or Lahaina bypass or even paved roads in some of the areas sloped on Haleakala. It’s still where kids ride bikes in the neighborhoods, doors stay unlocked, the mailman talks story with you, the local market has the favorite handmade baked goods from the grandmas in town. Everything closes early - I got used to the 2am bar life but in Maui, you are lucky if a place stays open till 10pm….

16 years living in a city had me running the fast lane but nothing has been more healing than being here again… remembering how to feel people without job titles, still muddied and no jewelry on - but with the 6th sense that city life masked away…

Crisp rain just heals sometimes. I forgot how much i love the flannels and need for a hoodie. Sometimes nature calls you. Sometimes your past calls you. I knew it had been calling me awhile - sometimes pain is the greatest teacher - forcing you to let go and believe in more…

Imperfect

Just a little more cabernet in the glass. Kids are sleeping soundly after a day at Ehukai on the North Shore. Their dad has been staying up there - at his sister’s place in order to respect the distance I’ve been desperately trying to balance out peacefully between our messy passion and many intwined responsibilties the last few months. I’m getting brave here. Please keep this between us… these feelings I’m letting out on through the tips of my fingers onto the keypad… vulnerable. A word that plants you there in the depth of unknown when naked is all thats left. I can’t quite get naked yet… but I’m getting close.

Love is scary. the ultimate fear of most people in surveys across the country say public speaking is the greatest fear. However, speaking intimately in the face of rejection, to the people you seek the most reciprocation from is perhaps the fear that no one actually has the balls to test except a few lucky enough to have lost and therefore know there is nothing else worth it in life. The heart wants what it wants. listening to what is heart says verses what our environment taught us however, that is the real test. 

This talking out-loud thing - it’s a gift i have, people say. It’s also something i held in for so long that it is bursting out the seams. All I can collect safely here, tonight, is that truly, we draw to ourselves what we need at that time to enforce the path we have chosen, or opposite, be the wake up call that plays the alternatives out for our warning. 

Selena’s sultry sweet adulterated voice streams through my apple music “What hurts the most is people you know can go from people you know tp people you don’t.” I’ve been obsessed with her new album, Rare. I haven’t been so hooked to something screaming female emotions since Adele debuted.

If you didn’t know me when i wore overalls and no makeup in hippie, cow pastures and waterfalls weed county of Haiku, then you wouldn’t know that I was raised with no television, no nail polished allowed and very Christian… like I had memorized all the verses of the old and new NIV version of the Bible. Heck, maybe NIV is no longer the fad that was the favored translation in the 90’s. There’s been a battle with me and the God I was raised with for quite awhile… I mean, I haven’t joined a church by choice since age 16 when life moved me to Kailua, Oahu from the merely 3000 population in the jungle I had known. I love Kailua… no, I was not an EWOK, thank you. But I learned something about God and faith and the fight of good and evil in the having had a few long term relationships, a few flings, a few crazy times and some I’ll never tell you… hey, I started young, what can i say…

You cannot fight what you feel. That internal pull will win. Heart and head are not the same. Pleasing the heart might loose you everything else, but it will allow you to continue … verses becoming sick and angry by listening to the voices purely of the mind. I think the scariest thing to discover is that perhaps the idea you invested yourself into might not be the platter you ordered… it might even straight deceive you… and yet, if you still feel something after all is said and done, it has a reason to be there. that to be human, is to be… imperfect. But that what SURVIVES the pain of humanity, the confusion, the movies we play out can only be from your own inner knowing … knowing this day, this hour, this experience is what you need. Need. What is that. Not want. Not have. Not choice. But, will be inclined to impulsively seek it out in the place you yourself cannot logic. Need. And where is that God that was one to love throughout it all to soothe us? … in that moment of surrender, thats where you find that warmth and pleasure and…Home.

the nights like these. the wines that pair perfectly into that quiet, after dark evening of privacy, towel wrapped nakendness, chores forsaken, half hour of release… onto the pages, into the sheets, out in a breath, sometimes a cry, into the open, into the other, into the unknown… trusting the god we don’t see outwardly… trusting that animal, that tug, that … 

vulnerable. 

And so here I am, after “surviving crises” as a few therapists have said. “It’s no coincidence you are here. You somehow have found peace in the chaos, order in the uncontrollable, because something in this is real. You have a love that is real, Naomi.” 

Imperfect. Broken yet puzzled back together. string strums and unrehearsed acoustic. That’s where we are. 

Vulnerable. Unknown. Release. Love.

Don’t know if that is indeed what I am looking for. But I guess I need it. 

Bringing in Haea

We really can't fight nature. As a woman you know that from the day your menstrual cycles begin ... But sometimes we become caught up in the "schedule" of other people's ideals of life and find ourselves surprised or disappointed when it doesn't happen as we planned... That is especially the case I hear from others when the first child comes into their world - shakes up their worlds; proves the true winner is not the ego, but the steadfast heart. Some still hold onto their belief of self-super-heroism through those first couple years in denial that they must change their "habits" or "how they are" for this tiny, mostly unconscious, lesser being. But eventually something gives or else, the results years later yield no healthy fruit ... By the third child, you are ready. Ready for the chaos, the mess, the no schedule, the change of plans, the vulnerability, the lack of Independance, the giving without seeing any obvious return for months and months ... And this time, I'm at peace.  

Peace. Not a place I thought I'd be at. Preparing for the worse always makes the skies look clearer... They say the "energy" felt at birth is what shapes that personality, that relationship you have with them, that their looks and health stem from that seed planted on that day, at that time, with their backstory fertilizing them into the reality we become.  

The energy of this birth was freeing. This birth was healing. This birth was not something you could predict at all and yet it was the birth I felt the most security... It was about me trusting myself completely and feeling completely sure of myself when there was no one else to the rescue. And that's Haea. To breathe soverign life...

I had had been feeling contractions (that burning sensation deep in your tailbone and those deep squeezing in your groin and low hips - the uterus ) for over two weeks. No consistent increase to a steady pattern that could ensure a delivery was happening. And even though I was dialating and effaced over halfway since the end of March, I was still told be ready to race to the hospital at any time - every week that I had a check up, awaiting what I felt would come fast and strong. 

My sister was able to get a few days off of work to come help with the basics of house chores and physically lifting my preschoolers , lifting the boxes from recently moving (as lifting anything a little heavy can cause damages like back injuries, hemmroids, etc..), and help with driving (since the contractions would interfere with my ability to focus or maintain steadiness at the wheel). What was "surely my water breaking" ended up not being so, and so, the excitement of sis possibly seeing her first birth or meeting a day-old- baby came and went. When dialating, cervix thinning out more, and contractions still continued a week-and-a-half-later, my mom rushed to rearrange schedules and request immediate time off work in hopes of helping us with Elia and Kanai during my anticipated birth... But of course, only the day after she leaves did the contractions start increasing. A full day and a half after we have no more help coming from immediate family (as both sides live in outer island) is when baby decides to come. 

A friend had stopped over to visit that evening and casually joked bout what we would do if it happens in the middle of the night when we have no help, no daycare, and no midwife awaiting to rush over. Makani bluntly replies, "We are dropping the kids off at your house. " 😂 So, that was the plan - but of course you always need plan b and plan c - and if you've ever had labor pains, once they hit over 6cm dialated then you know you can't be dealing with a 4 and 2 yr old crying frantic and fighting you in their tired-tantrum when you uproot them mid-slumber to rush them into a house they've never slept at before...  so, a bit before midnight I felt it - like slowly increasing drums - that build up, that deepening pound on the ground, that crescendo for an hour. You can't sleep knowing it's coming, the drums pounding in your gut... I tried the sitter - (who was supposed to be busy in the early morning) and surprise she was awake, available, and willing to stay at our home throughout the next day. I had a feeling it was happening much faster than last time (was 10 hours with no medications for Kana'i, my second, and 16 hours for Elia - induced and with an epidural). So, I texted with her in her broken-English and sent texts to her daughter to translate into Portugese for her - directions to our new home that she had not yet been to 😅, where everything had been barely unpacked (from the recent move), what to do in the morning with the kids whom she had not ever Made breakfast for before, how to navigate our security system and codes around our home and how to access our wifi and that damn long access code. 😂 It was a test of faith for sure (Hand language helps 😉 ). And all while contractions are at a steady-every-five-minuets (I know you moms are cringing)... 

So, we got the hospital bags and water for me and a sweater for Makani as that hospital is cold and with no comforts for the dads. We stopped at 711 on Waialae to grab some snacks (spam musubis, of course)  - I mean hey, I am gonna work my ass off without any good food given to me once we check in so let's learn from the first two times and set ourselves up with some fuel before we go through hell 😀...

We checked in at 1 am. She was out by 5am. That's 4 hours of intensive labor. Nurse was surprised I was so calm and having contractions 3 min apart when we got there...  And even though I asked for no drugs, she kept offering pitocin to speed up the contracting - no. No. No again and we sure as hell didn't need to speed it up as it was already quickening (Pitocin causes more pain by the way if you Do take pitocin - I had it my first labor)... So I was sent walking in the halls since I wanted all natural - she thought it'd be a couple hours before I'd get the dialation speeding up (usually takes hours to get to 5/6cm and more to get to 7/8 when the "transition" really starts doubling in speed and pain). So I walked in that open-backed-gown, squatting through those cramping and heat burns - around and around for an hour and a half. Would keep going back to the check-in-room where I left Makani there to rest up before the home run (needed him to have energy to support me) to keep using the bathroom as you continuously do while you are in labor ... No one else was walking the hall (as everyone was getting epidural and the extreme numbing keeps you laying down in the bed to be safe ) but I wasn't lonely - I was actually able to relax more without anyone else around (unlike the other two labors that happened on full-moons when the hospital becomes extremely busy from "moon-chaos"). Sprayed myself with a mix of essential oils I made anytime I felt dizzy or naseuas - it's actually he only labor i didn't throw up in, thanks to orange, peppermint, and lavendar. 

A poor guy was standing outside of one of the delivery rooms as I walked by - he looked ghostly, tired like he hadn't slept in days, the skin sagging down his eyes and cheeks from the anxiety and insomnia - breathing deep in probally hours of shock ... He saw me smiling and looked like he saw pigs flying ... "First baby?" I asked. He nodded. Still in awe at me squatting the 48lb roundness - "It's baby number 3 for me. Don't worry - first one is really scary, it's long and it's shocking but it's normal. You are doing great." He nodded. Nurse told me later a husband of "another birthing mom" was shocked at the girl smiling down the laboring hall but that " she said its normal so it's gonna be ok. She's on baby number 3 so it must get better." Hehe... 😆❤️

My doctor or never made it to the birth (till the placenta was coming out 15 min later)... When I got back to the room and got "checked" (they stick their hand in to see how far your cervix opened) I was over 6cm. That means time for the birthing room. They also have to put in a mandatory IV in case your birth goes crazy and you need emergency Meds or something... Girl busted five of my veins and had blood spurting everywhere before she finally called an IV specialist (who put it in with one try no prob 🙄) - bruise lasted for two weeks. By the time we got through the IV horror and escorted into the big birthing-rooms - I'm at 7cm. You can't stay still at that point - not without Meds.

It was obvious this set of nurses I had (unlike last time) weren't used to all natural 😂😂 - the looks on their faces as I'm stripping off my robe and pacing frantically, breathing deep whoooooshy breathes, bending in all different positions to maintain through what feels like a steamroller juicing your insides every 5 seconds... They wanted to put a baby monitor strap on my belly that would keep me leashed and stationary to a pole (with monitor device). I asked them for the mobile one that has no attachments (I had it last time I birthed all natural) so I can move around since I'm not drugged and bearing the punches - took them 20 min to find one and by the time they figured out how to work it, I was squatting, butt-naked telling makani "I'm sh**ing out a baby right now!" They asks me to wait a few minuets for my doctor to arrive... Wtf - you can't hold in a 7-9 lbs bowling ball agaisnt Gravity, the god-damn squeezing machine (the uterus - god) with an open hole! 

...and that's what was kinda magical - that feeling like no one there really knew how to handle my animal self or my own knowing of my body, actually made me trust myself more, not less and ... Trust my spouse who totally showed his support amount all the chaos.

Makani trusted US. We both trusted US more than anyone else there. It was the first time He nor I were looking for guidance from anyone else during the vulnerable experience of birth... When the nurse busted my veins, Makani asked for a new nurse to take over the IV process. When a nurse took my blood pressure while I was mid-contraction and said I had high blood pressure, he told another nurse to check me when I wasn't mid-contraction. When a nurse kept offering me pitocin, I stuck to my wants and firmly said no and he followed... I went from 7 to 10 cm in 20 minuets - and the speed of that pressure on your body made me dizzy. When I yelled out for oil spray - he rushed over to spray me with, "Which one babe? Lavendar? This one? The mixed one?" Totally involved... He cleaned up the "mess" when the nurses weren't fast enough ... It was his voice that encouraged me through that 6 minuet push. That push felt like 7 hands ripping me apart from all sides of my crotch and he was right there holding me up, hands in, telling me how strong I was, getting bloody, getting excited to see the baby crowning ... While I thought for sure my tissues were severing in all angles...

I'll never forget that. Feeling it was meant to be. Feeling like there really wasn't anyone else there, but us. Our baby. Our birth. Trusting me. Him Trusting my lead. Trusting I was loved. Trusting this baby was doing what it's supposed to. Trusting God... 

Trusting Life itself.

and then...

its over.

the pain is over.

A wet bundle wiggles towards your breast and your body is still shaking, gasping breaths like you've been underwater nearly drowning, heart beating out of your chest... 

And I just remember Makani's voice, a hushed cry, "She's beautiful." 

It's all a dreamy blurr for those few hours afterwards - a high, laughter, a wave ...  

...Makani whispering to her in his arms still hasn't left me... And I still fell him holding my hand in the end ... 

The other births were not "bad" nor did they ever leave me feeling ashamed or weak or alone ... But there's a different experience for every child, every "person" and their energy that they bring in that day ... And this one was so much more pleasant than I imagined ... Sometimes the things that are most out of our control are the most beautiful of all ...