Forever a love triangle

your little soft face pressed Into the palm of my hand. Little wet nose from the night terrors you’ve cried since an infant. Your little thigh draped over mine, that diaper-like-underwear pressed in between as you sniffle the last few whimpers over your shi-shi accident that hampered your pride to be pull-up-free. You love to make me proud - that cheeky grin and squinty eyes say it all when you tell me something you did, something you understand and you see I’m pleased. So much like your father in that sense but ... in so many ways, like me. 

“Don’t leave me, mom...don’t you like the picture I made for you?”  eyes widened big, searching for that security in my face. 

Isnt that the tug on my heart, that those little desperate attempts to have me proud remind me so much of my own when I was age 3...

.

3 going on 4, drawing the cartoons that Ended up magnet-ed on Grandpa’s fridge.

...beaming! I didn’t mean to make the picture so cool but his eyes lit-up and he put down his drink on that old, wooden kitchen table to hold up my paper and after a full thorough moment, did that deep stare in my eyes with his Japanese eyes squinted In smile ...

so I did something special, right? Yes, yes, I’m special! I’m this sunshine feeling! I’m the warm and sing-song feelings! I’m... loved? Right? That’s what it means when you smile and make that attention on my picture! I must make more So we can be warm together always! I belong here...

The drippy nose starts running down my upper lip - down onto the Jurasic Park pillowcase. It’s My tears this time while his little almond shaped eye-lids close back into deep sleep. Can’t help but feel a little guilt for snapping at him all these times I’ve had another child demanding me away from him. How many times I cried this way for his older sister too when he was the little baby demanding me away from her little-person needs. “I just want to snuggle with you, mom,” He always chimes in that high, squealy little-boy voice. “Don’t be mad at me, mom,” standing at the doorway watching me rock the other child in my arms with that big puppy-dog look. “I love you, mom,” pout - That immediate fear of me being dissapointed.

Ugh, don’t do that! The physical doing of motherhood is not what caused those few grey strands to pop out before age 30 (not that constant scrubbing, doo-doo, laundry, and broken things are in anyway not stressful) but - it’s these emotional war-tugs of having no way to soothe the heartbroken middle child, or older kindergartener, yet again, of his or her fight for my undivided attention...

“I love you, Kana’i,” I whisper to his little Body gripping mine. “No matter how mad mommy is or how many times you don’t listen and even if I’m holding Haea and not you for a long time, I always, always love you, Kana’i. I’ll always come back for you. I’ll always find you. I’ll always know you and be so glad to be your mommy...” have to open my mouth to breathe no since I’ve clogged my nose with these sentimental tears. His fingers, twined through my hair, finally subside in grip as he pulls out a leg from under the blankets, the last step in his fall-asleep routine. 

Sleeping.

at last. The only time I can truly take time to only be with you... here in the hours all eyes are closed.  these days of mommyhood and I guess, forever more, we are in a love triangle. 

Hello Age 30

Last day of of my twenties, people.

We started 29 about to birth the third child in a 4.5 year time period. 6 years of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding has me beat. Feels good to know I gave them all I could in their earliest times - from womb till that magical one-year-mark when here in Hawaii, we celebrate with a huge wedding-sized luau (that's next month)...

April 2017

10am this morning.

I'm going through headshots from yesterday’s shoot with Kaveh. Two coffees down. holding baby Haea in left arm propped up against my left leg, pressed against the table, while she sucks away under my shirt, teeth latched on to the left nipple which means you can’t just pull her off or it is a skin rip. I’m basically stuck in this position till queen-bee decides she's done, could be 20 min or more.

I first shot with Kaveh in 2010 in the Waikiki, two-bedroom apartment I had before Makani, before babies. We had gorgeous wood floors and a lot of natural light coming in at that place, so it was a perfect mini studio for that first shot together. I didn’t know much about the dark-featured guy who ran after me to give me his card while on the set of “4 Wedding Planners”, but my gut is usually right and has proved some very valuable friends. 

Age 22

After all these years of shooting with Kaveh and our after-talks over coffee, I had never actually worked in his home until yesterday. Your home says a lot about your personality, your values, your habits…and I have to say his is lovely. Clean, slick marble counters, bamboo floors kept in perfect condition with lots of floor to ceiling windows and sliding doors letting in the natural light and crisper air of the higher-breezes of the Wilhelmina hills. His ancestry shows in the gorgeous, reddish, maroon Persian rugs throughout the living room and bedroom. The years he spent in Europe and French Canadian cities also shows in the minimalist type decor, the architectural details allowing linear spaces, the red, Italian-leather barstools, compact storage and modern, sleek, pendant-hanging lights. The Bookshelf of spiritual enlightenment, Bhagavad Gita, Teachings of Krishna, and mediation prayers all reflect the beauty of his late wife, a yoga teacher from Mexico. It takes a certain kind of person to attract such a peace seeking person. I mentioned to him that it shows me how kind and good of a person he must be to have her and a home that feels so clean and transparent.

We’ve changed a diaper and switched boobs since the first paragraph by the way…left handed typing is a skill I've yet to master. Kids are fighting over the iPad show. I have to let them watch it while I work. Can’t get anything done unless they are entertained or sleeping. Its basically a wreck of toys and shoes ever since Haea started crawling - that’s just life with toddlers folks. I put her down a second ago and she's half up the stairs already. I’d love to just block off the whole foray with a big baby gate - those big ones are a little harder to find on this island and it also requires a little handyman skills to set it into place which has been last on my list of ‘to-dos’ between the constant need to clean cooking materials to make the next healthy meal, or shi-shi bed linens that need to be washed yet again for the third time this week. I also just got through the tax documents that were due the previous month and and sorting through the files to box away in those banker boxes… And Elia is breaking my thoughts with, “Mom, Kanai is eating pizza on the couch, again!”

Ugh. That boy is the rebel. “Kanai, are you supposed to eat on the couch?” silence. “Kanai, get on the table, you know better.” ….wait for it…

“AHHHHH” his scrunched angry 3-yr-old face about to turn tantrum as I give him the mama-bitch look (You all wonder why moms can’t relax… you go clean my couch everyday then). He sees my look. Swallows his cry. Pout of defeat. Yep, you know better, baby.

We are now looking at shot number 209 of 378 photos to go through from the 2.5 hour shoot. Pretty typical for a portfolio shoot for me. This is the stuff people don’t realize takes so long - the going through the 300 photos and narrowing them down to ones that don’t have your eyes closed, your strands of hair blowing across your lipstick, your panties showing through with the light at that angle, or how that one pose of you hitched in that pair of jeans causes some love handles to overflow and cause completed distraction away from your face… Then of course, you have to go though editing, which thank god, Kaveh is so experienced in, of which, you crop out or smudge out the bra strap or the electrical outlet on the wall behind you. 

Can't lie, it's been a very consuming year. The more kids you have, the more your body wears down, the more your lack of sleep and drain of nutrients shows, the more mouths you have to prep food for, get vitamins for, shop healthy fresh groceries for. The more beds to buy and loads of laundry to pretreat, wash, dry, fold and put away. The more appointments you have to keep track of, time schedules to have plugged into a calendar, alarms to have as reminders for the bath, the gymnastics, the payments due for someones health insurance, school bill or hula class. It's harder to work on anything at all with someone always calling mom, crying, needing help to reach the sink to wash their doo-doo hands or needing to vampire-suck you dry every hour or so... cost of sitters goes up to and trying to find the right people to fit your integrity, energy level for your children, your lifestyle and your budget is more and more challenging each added child. Your love life definitely gets the hardest test and tug of your abilities. But hey, thats what i hear from every couple with infants... it's just part of it.

Getting away to get back into a non-mom day is a big deal. So hopefully, we can get a handful of the hundreds of shots to be a good selection showing what I am now - a little more worn in then I was a few years ago, some wrinkles around the eyes, a few gray hairs that came and went, the pressure from pregnancy weight stretched my shoe size out a half size more. At least I am more comfortable in my skin than before, more cut-to-the-chase with time as I no longer have time as a luxury. As the therapists, doctors, and clinic professional said to me at the most recent postpartum check up I had, the moms who have the least depression and the most energy to care for their kids are the ones who take their own individuality seriously, and make time for themselves more than the others because they refuel when they feel the have their own life in addition to their family instead of their life revolving solely around their family. So that the mission this year, this decade really - getting back to me. Its definitely a balancing act, one day at a time… so here we go, age 30.

Headshot by Kaveh Kardan 3/19/2018

Deep In the Tunnel

8 months. Its been that long since I’ve been able to talk about my life in a full page. Because with a third baby under 5 years, a husband that runs a company in the home and no immediate family to help watch any kids, I am consumed. You definitly are misunderstood at this point. People think they know, husbands know only half because unless you were pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding, working part time from home and elsewhere while cleaning, cooking, diapering, grocery shopping, household shopping, house repairing, receipt logging, doctor visiting, emergency visiting, blood cleaning, and cringing at the credit card bills getting you through the weeks you haven't slept more than 4 hours… you don’t know. 

This is where having friends to talk to is crucial. You feel so beyond everyone else’s complaints of their one child daycare costs or the complaints of the inlays that live with them and love and care for their child when ever they want a night out… Three kids under 5 is about $22-$30 an hour in Honolulu and its not just the money that is taking away from your chance to keep your love alive or your sanity, but its the fact that not everyone CAN watch you kid/kids…because some are great with one but certainly can’t mange two or three, or some are great with your rules and ways of living but are never on time or come in sick which gets all your kids sick. And then there are even those sitters who lie about who they are or their experience, or the ones who bring over people you don’t know while you are gone and the only way you know anything is from the broken language of your 3 yr old when you return home. Some sitters move away because well its way cheaper to live somewhere else or they follow a boyfriend. So when you do find those good ones, you will work with their schedule which of course is often all over the place since they are in demand. Daycare is about $1100-$2000 a month if they are under 2 yrs old and often that price doesn't cover full days or food. 

So life was already complicated with two and three made it clear I absolutely had to be full time mommy and housewife…Always dishes from cooking, always three baskets of laundry waiting to be folded while four hampers sit full to be cleaned. Buying fruits. milk, yogurt, eggs and meat every two days because trying to buy bulk at places like Costco or Sams Club is really hard when you have a baby who wants to be held and is too small to put in the shopping cart seat. Not to mention, you’ll have to change in the bathroom or go breastfeed in the middle of it all or you’ll be stuck in a huge line while she cries the whole time. And god forbid you have two more with you who have to pee at any given moment or can get out of the cart and run away in awe of some stuffed animal a few isles back. And the time to find parking to be able to take a carseat out - forget it. I don’t even have room in the van to put the bulk items because I have 3 carseats by law (until age 8) and a big double stroller taking up my trunk… So, men - don’t complain when mama is buying higher prices in smaller packages at the less-crowded, more-parking grocery chains, k? And Safeway delivery has SAVED me in this postpartum recovery! But you have to book them a full day before, ladies!

Don’t get me wrong, I LLLLOOOOVVVVEE my kids. I am so grateful to have someone so financial stable that we have the option to choose less stressful choices ( like in shopping ) but like so many moms have told me, “Staying at home as a full time mom was harder than any job I’ve ever had, more time demanding than anyone ever paid me to do, and I am lonely because there are no adults to praise you or feel unified with like in a workplace…You especially feel lost because you physically are going through more changes then you ever have in your life and no one can feel what you are feeling or give you compassion in the home you are the soul support for.”

— The 25 mom friends who have confided in me and I assume want to remain anonymous

So, yes, we stay at home moms have the joy of bonding and being so in tune with our children and husband’s life that it forces stronger ties, loyalty, and secures stability for them in the long run, allows less sickness because of someone consistent caring for them 24/7 and less mess because someone can attend to the house chores more regularly … but you can never prepare for the emotions and physical drains of motherhood that come with birthing a child. Ask any mother if they thought it would be as it is after children. If you love them, your life becomes around theirs because they are not capable of being self reliant for ANYTHING…even at age 4, my daughter cant unbutton her back bottoms to take off certain tops. She can't reach the sink faucet without a sturdy stool, can’t read the labels, can’t hold a dish well enough to truly scrub off the grime (although she tries), can’t explain that she’s extra tired because she’s got a fever coming on, can’t explain that her preschool friend destroyed her card she made for me and so she instead doesnt’ wanna talk that whole night… These are the basics that people don’t realize are mom’s jobs to “do” or figure out blind. And add more the mix, you are going back and forth between each of them at their different stage of life…

Redoing Kanai’s shoes because he put them on backwards.

        Meanwhile: Baby Haea started standing and is sucking on the bottoms of the shoes left by the door. (Why are the shoes left by the door? Because Dad came in from a tour to switch equipment and shoes and leave in a hurry.)

        Meanwhile: Elia calls from the bathroom that there is no more toilet paper. (She’s a girl, girls always need toilet paper.)

“Kana’i, switch your shoes (point to feet), I have to help Elia.” Pick up baby and pull shoe outta mouth. Take her to bathroom with me.

On the way there, Kana’i: “Mom, I need help! Don’t leave me! Wait!” starts crying in frustration and runs after me in his socks only to slip on the wooden floor and fall backwards. Deep Crying.

“Hold on Kanai!”

Grab a new toilet paper roll from the shelf that is too high for Elia to have reached anyway. (Why so high? Because Baby Haea now can reach the lower shelf and will eat it if it is there as she can fully crawl, stand, and obtain items in her arms. And she has proven to LLLOOOOVVEE swallowing toilet paper.) Put toilet paper on the holder and proceed to the sink to wash out Haea’ mouth. There is dirt in her mouth. She is smiling up a storm. (Why care to even wash? They can easily get sick like as in vomit, diarrhea, or fever from eating bacteria or toxins from uncensored items like what is on the bottom of a shoe.)

        Meanwhile: Kanai is bawling dramatically in the hall still yelling with tears, “Mamma! I need help! I can’t do my shoes! Don’t leave me! I big boy!” As I am yelling back to just wait. 

Put Haea down on the carpet in the kid’s room while I get his shoes on the right feet and hug him with irritation in my voice, “Baby, it’s ok! I just went to help Elia! I love you.” 

“OH no, Mom!” Elia yells from the bedroom. “Haea climbed on the bed and is leaning over the edge!”

Dash the 5 feet over into the bedroom to catch Haea by the legs as she’s headed head first off the bed railing side. Elia is on the ground arms open hoping to catch her. (Yes, what a sweetie of a sister, I am blessed!)

Kanai is yelling, “Mom, more bacon pweeessee!” completely unaware of Baby Haea’s fall. 

Mind you, we are trying to leave to get to preschool before the circle time begins.

“Kanai, you already ate! We brushed your teeth!” 

Silence. I got out to the living room to check on the silence. Elia is still looking for matching socks to wear even though even morning we tell her it doesn’t matter because we cant’ find all the matching ones ever. 

Kanai has his mouth stuffed with bananas, the only item that was left uneaten on the table - which was supposed to be Elia’s banana that she didn’t get to finish because she had to doodoo. Caught red handed. Big mushy grin. chunks falling out. God damnit. 

And that is just Ten min. By the time the kids are at school and I finally get to eat and have coffee, baby is hungry and needs to breastfeed. Dishes are piled from the morning. Hazardous toys from the kids morning wreckage must be cleaned up before Baby chokes on any of it while I am using the bathroom. Then of course laundry begins - usually with at least one partly shi-shi-d item or wet board shorts from Makani’s tours…Yes, you get bored of the home stuff. Especially after lunch when you wanna do something for yourself, but there are those piles of recipes to file or the paperwork for one kid’s mandatory medical info, immunization scheduling, your own follow up at the doctors for postpartum or breastfeeding issues, the extracurricular programs like Hula or Japanese Language which of course if you put one kid into, you have to put the other… but then mostly, your life is the breastfeeding and diapering guys. For real. Every hour a boob out which means you will be thirsty and hungry after, which leads to more dishes and more diapers to change…. and of course Makani comes in from work talking about the child-free lunch he got to have discussing important issues that involve many ADULTS which is my only little glimpse to the outside world sometimes and soon its time to pick up the other two… 

Maybe a few weeks would be awesome - yes, it sounds like a nice break from normal work… but do this everyday for 5 years, you kinda lose sight of excitement after awhile…thats where I am ladies and gentlemen… I gave birth to the first baby almost 5 years ago, of which I breastfed over a year, to be pregnant again, to birth again, to breastfeed over a year again, to be pregnant again… and we are at the 8months breastfeeding…almost to that one year mark where they can actually eat food; one year is the doctor recommended timespan - when their immunity builds the most and the mind enhances with your bonding; one year is when I can feel I completed my duty, finally. Days definitly blend together. Sometimes I defiantly fall asleep so tired or I have to leave the house mess the whole day just to feel sane. Some days I envy Makani’s work because it involves intelligent conversing with adults who appreciate you. Some days I just play with Baby all day and fuck the laundry - wait for it to build up and Makani feel obligated (He does help, don't hate him). And then some days I do what all the other moms with babies do, I cry in frustration. You want to be close to your kids and be the best mom, and then you also want to feel unrestricted and without forced hormonal, emotional binds like… Men.

To all you mamas out there, when they don’t say wow, you handle a lot - I know you do. Everyone says its only for a few years. But damn, Mama, for these few years, I feel you. 

When Your Kid Eats Poo

I never thought that would be my kid. Really, I don't think any mom predicts what chaos is lurking around every growth marker those first few years of child raising. But sh*t happens. Some kids are easy and their moms have no clue how easy they have it. Some kids are slower to catch on to things and others are way too fast to keep up with...

I've always given a lot of independence to my kids in the sense that, I don't just sit and play and cuddle with them because reality is, I need to maintain the daily life of housework, bookkeeping, grocery shopping and healthy meals which means, I need them to be self proactive for a bit in order to get through a few minuets of a task. Some moms don't care bout a clean house or organized work - understandably, your life is tied to the attached little guy, wacky hormones, no sleep, and breastfeeding - but I die if I don't have order. Maybe it is just that business sense in me but I need things to be clean, structured, easy to find; I hate clutter, I hate knowing bacteria is growing, I have a need for progress and balance, I hate to have unfinished work sitting on a desk, I hate an unbalanced account, I like things done on time. So, yes, I need to clean the piles of dishes so I have the pots and pans I need to cook the next meal (we have no dishwasher - old house) which we will be hungry for in an hour. So, I left Kana'i alone in the playroom with the non-choke-able toys and stuffed animals while PBS (the only safe channel you don't have to monitor for attitude, backtalk, meanness, or teen drama) is playing softly on the TV in the background - more than enough to stimulate him for literally the five minutes I am washing the two frying pans and three mugs (that's all!!!), right? Wrong. I guess that wasn't enough for him. Boredom? just curious? It happened only once ever, but still... 

So I hear some crawling on the wooden living room floors (one room over from the tiled kitchen), ok. I hear a friction noise, like cloth being rubbed against each other - but its hard to make out with the water running... "Kana'i?!" I call out, still soapy hands in running water. 

"EEhhhuuuggghhh" a weird belch sound... Oh no, is he throwing up?! 

Hand on my leg suddenly, its sticky. I look down at the little body bobbing round my knees. He's looking down...a penis. No diaper! Damn! I frantically look for a diaper around us... a few feet away - there it is, open, and dark mud like doo-doo in it... and the "mud" on the floor... and SMEARED out a few inches and then a couple drops on a trail to me... and a hand print of doo-doo right near to where we stand... F***. 

"NO! Kana'i!" I'm cringing. Wiping off my hands to attack that mess when he looks up and me and smiles -

BLACK TEETH. LIPS PASTED...

You ate your f***ing doo-doo!!!!??????

Holding back a hurl. Closed my eyes. Swallowed. You can do this. I just picked him up. Held him out far from me while he starts crying. I couldn't look at him. My face and reaction must of made him realize something was wrong. He was belting out now - mouth wide open with the chunks of doo-doo falling on the way to the bathroom. Straight into the shower - I just grabbed running water and started spurring it into his mouth, scraping out the sides of his teeth and cheeks with my hands. Don't puke. Don't puke. 

He was traumatized I guess, since he never tried it again... He's done a ton else since though. Curiosity didn't kill the cat. 

Like the other week, I'm in the bathroom for the few minuets I need to be a basic human and somehow, he has learned to push his little white chair up against the dresser to reach the diapering materials, and grabbed the baby powder. By the time I got out of the bathroom, he had baby-powdered their ENTIRE room (they share). All the toys, the bed, the table, the stuffed animals, his sister's barbies (and worse, their hair), the mini play kitchen, their shoes and the rug were covered in white powder. I got to most of it before I decided to take pictures for the sake of venting later. But the vacuum couldn't get all the powder stuck in creases or in places like the bed sheets (which you just have to shake out and wash) or things like the barbie hair... It is just really a bi-otch to have to clean when you already have a million other things to do, appointments to make, groceries to buy before traffic hits, and a very tired pregnant body. 

And then of course, he did that again. Even though I moved the baby powder, twice. Time-outs didn't seem to matter. Baby powder was too fun, I guess. So then you loose your cool and either yell at him or break down and cry by the third time...

And honestly, it's hard to stay mad at your sweet baby's face... especially when he now can say, "I sorry! Hold you! Snuggle Peez!" in-between tears... And then they do things that make you feel sorry for them, instead of mad at them... Like, when he gets stuck in the support rails of the chair and is freaking out until you rescue him (pic below).

I mean, every kid really is different. So all you mama's saying, "My kid would never-" you really don't know... Elia never did this kinda stuff, but Kana'i is just more fearless. He charged into the ocean when he could barely walk - not caring that he was choking on water, while Elia would scream and run from the wave that barely made it past her knees. Elia wanted to keep her clothes clean or change if getting dirty, but Kana'i is always covered in fish slime or dirt or whatever meat-dish was for lunch. Elia follows a bug around excited; Kana'i touches the bug and licks his fingers. Ugh. Boy vs. Girl? Maybe. But then some moms never catch their boys eating poo or interested in their diaper area...

Two weeks ago, I walked out of my room after being on the phone with insurance. I had to be in a room away from the kids as they always make noise and want all your attention everytime you get on the phone (all you parents know this is true, all you doubters, just wait till you have kids). I noticed it was very QUIET (=mischief)... Kana'i is bent over, butt naked (he can take off all his clothes at barely two years old, apparently), holding himself up with one hand, while the other hand is holding the pretend doctor thermometer from those toy kits, trying to stick the thermometer into his - you know.

"NO!" I yell. Don't yell. Don't scare him or he'll hurt himself. Be calm. "Kana'i, Honey, don't move." Smile. Holy F***! I hope it's not already in there! I walked over briskly and he rose up, showed me the thermometer in his hand and proudly says with a huge grin, "My butt!" 

I checked his okole - no redness, no swelling... couldn't see anything else in there. Whew. Ok. He's ok. But then I look around. He has the entire Play-Doctor Kit out, all the tools lined up and he is pointing to them all one by one saying proudly, "My butt. My butt. My butt..." 

Clorox. Everything. Spray. Soak. Dried. Sprayed again. Sprayed and cleaned all the toys that were out around the kit and possibly apart of the doctor ordeal. It was a long afternoon. A lot of "Honey, we only play like this with this, ok?" ... We never take his temperature that way - So I don't even know how he would have thought to do that. He doesn't see us put anything down there - and our doctor doesn't either. No, I didn't get a picture. Some moments are too exceptional to remember to capture. 

So conclusion? What to you do when your kid is the kind that eats poo, makes a mess, sticks things where they shouldn't go? I don't really know. I just do my best to get through it, calm down, tell him I love him, that it's ok - And try to remember, it can always be worse. 

A Model Day

11:30am. Friday. One of my part time day care days. Finally, after 3 weeks of a hacking cough, no voice, hoarse voice, chest pains, headaches, and dropping in constant need for sleep, I'm feeling better. I had to cancel an audition last week, cancel my classes I coach for the week before, cancel my son's scheduled shots, all because the cold virus turned into a bacterial chest infection for both me and baby Kana'i. No one else in the family got it bad because they got to sleep it off unlike mom; mom who must always wake up to tend the coughs and sobs of the children (who can otherwise end up at the ER not breathing from the throat swelling up😳), attend to their need for comfort in the day and night, give the nebulizer (steam mask breather machine that delivers medicine to open the passageways of the chest, lungs, throat and clear bacteria) every 6 hours, give the Antibiotics in morning and night, give the warm bathes and prepare the warm soups, therefore never getting enough rest or sleep herself...hence I was on strong Antibiotics usually prescribed for pneumonia. Anyway, because I could finally take the kids into daycare for a few hours this week, and the antibiotics cleared me all up except for the leftover minor nasally voice, I could continue some life of my own (about f***'n time!).

After my hair cut with Khole, at Macy's Salon in Honolulu, who I've been going to for 4 years now.  

So this week's work life consisted of catching up on the aftermath of an informal fashion show I coordinated last weekend, organizing a wardrobe collection for today's shoot, yoga to try to maintain some figure and body vibrancy, meetings, consulting on model hiring for another upcoming fashion show, getting a gel polish manicure so that my short broken nails would look decently professional for the upcoming work, getting my hair trimmed to keep it on par with the industry expectations of clean ends and versitle, this morning was an audition, and in a few hours, the photoshoot I spoke of. And yes, the kids causing absolute havoc Inbetween.... 

My neutral pallet is always preferred for modeling jobs as it does not attract attention away from the fashions being featured. My short nails do better with the strengthening gel coat that goes Inbetween the base and gel color polish.  

"So what is that like? " I get this a lot. "How do you run a fashion show?" "How do you audition?" "How do you prep for a Photoshoot?" "What happens at a Photoshoot?" 

I can't tell ALL or I'd be breaking confidentiality, but I can tell some 😊... 

The models wearing Poshd Fashions by designer and botique owner, Valerie Joseph. 

So here are some pictures of the models I hired for an informal fashion show that took place last Saturday, at a Low Tea for Mother's Day. Three of these girls I trained myself, so I knew their caliber in performance would be clean, confident, walking with grace on heels, makeup done with detail and correctly, professional in attitude (which is the hardest part about hiring young models before they are experienced in out-of-school life); they were dependable, beautiful, and reputable, which is why I sought them out for my client. Luckily, our designer was amazingly open to working with them, under short notice, and happy to style them for her featured show. While the show was last weekend, it takes awhile for paperwork, the correspondences to go back and forth between the client hiring, the models, the staff involved. So my work this week I ncluded making sure everyone was satisfied with the results of performances, attendance to the event, exposure at the event, personalities of the team, and most importantly, compensation - which I just mailed out. 

During the the actual show, models were required to show up ahead of time to learn the walk routine, get into the first outfit, confirm the outfit order with the designer and finalize the hair and makeup. I always bring my makeup and hair spray/accessories as there is always someone needing more concealer around their eyes, more eyeliner or an extra shade on the crease, blush, powder to soften a Cakey foundation job, or baby wipes to clean up...

The show taking place at Stage Resturant in the HOnolulu Design Center. More of Poshd Fashions can be found at Ward Center. 

The Auditions. Well, can't tell you for who or where but I can say what is always the consistent thing: 

• You have to be asked to come by an agent, casting director, or someone who is directly tied to that production. And then, you don't tell details about it others who might want to show up.

• Being on time to the appointment time you commit to, matters. Being more than ten min late is noted and an irritation to directors who also tell your agent...

• There is an expectation of hygiene - no bad breath, stained clothes, dirt under nails, food between teeth, sweat smells. 

• there is an expectation of wearing clothes that match the part you are trying out for - that takes some research sometimes if I don't know the brand or the type of description being communicated.  

• Most talent DO NOT get Most of the jobs they auditioned for. So that's the hard part...taking the risk for no pay after you've changed your work and family life to fit in that audition, washed and ironed those clothes especially for the part, bought a special foundation because that week you were so stressed you broke out and your Reg make-up won't cover it... It's not all glamour or everyone would do it. 

• A lot of people are involved in the audition process so sometimes you are meeting multiple people at the casting, or being interviewed, being asked to bring photos, compcards, resumes, a portfolio book of work or sometimes not asked to bring anything because THEY'VE ALREADY GOOGLED YOU 😳 ...basically know, you can't please everyone or have all the perfect self marketing materials so, you are just a human meeting other humans like all other jobs 😉...except with heels or with a camera in your face.

What I wore to today's audition and my portfolio that was not looked through, since they already recognized me from previous work. By hey, you never know... 

Today I was asked to speak many different lines in different tones, expressions, and scenarios all while standing in place with a blank colored wall behind me. Imagination. Comfortable being cheesey. Can't be shame in this biz.  

And then there is right now... Getting the clothes together for a shoot. I have to make sure they are not wrinkled or stained and have matching shoes and underwear that won't show through...I hang them up on the mini garnet rack that will be then put in the car to drive them to the outdoor shoot location. Portable garnet rack - one of the things people asking me to bring thinking I had one so guess it's about time I had one. Business investments. Part of it. 

While I'm waiting for the designer to come over (we are getting ready and going to location together), I am eating. Greek yogurt, oranges, blueberries, granola, flax seeds, cacao nibs, and honey. I eat light before a shoot so not to bloat or get tired. I try to eat before the makeup retouch so I'm not messing that up or having to Reaaply lip gloss after brushing teeth. Hair straightener is plugged in on standby, ready when I've finished this bowl. 

So, I've got my hair pulled back to build on more foundation since I'm unfortuently still with hormonal skin (more in that in another post)... Talk after with updates from the shoot 😊... 

Update: Shot in the hills above Kaimuki around sunset. Since it was a jewelry shoot, the shots were mostly focused on the face, hands, chest up. I need some updated head shots so hopefully these suffice. It takes a couple weeks for 300+ shots to be narrowed down to 20 usable shots (between the photographer, designer or production team). The editing of those final chosen is what takes long - to make sure the blemishes that can be subdued, are, the lighting enhancing the desired feature, the background distractions blurred if possible. It takes hours. Bout 5 of the entire shoot becomes actually ad (print) worthy due to overexposure a, the wind blowing a strand of hair, the jewelry not being straight like intended or getting half covered behind hair, or eyes closed (first time models have that as a common frustration) or an awkward body position makes the fashions unappealing...that is why modeling takes some patience and flexibility to adjust to the factors each moment of flash at a time...

With Kaveh Kardan 📷 by Charity Poole

It was fun today! Starting the mood is the hardest part. But once you get into the first 20 shots, modeling becomes natural. It's learning to block out the distractions of other people in the background starring, letting the product/fashions be the focus - not you, and keeping movements very slow and minimal to allow the photographer to catch that angle & feeling you give. Actual shots to come out soon... 

@charity_poole

The Withdrawls

It's midnight. Everyone is sleeping which means I'd usually be in grateful bliss passing out without hesitation, exhausted from days of constant giving, no food till lunch, no sitting down because of the constant mess or need to physically remove one waddler from the danger... And all can do is go through my photo stream... Savoring each capture of glee and little laughing cheeks beaming... and wondering if I'll be missing the diaper waddle and floors covered in crumbs and stained from juice puddles enough to ... Want another one one day. 😅 Holy hell, don't let yourself give in! After that drawn-out birth story?!😳 I know, I know! Don't worry! I won't! ... I'll just cry at night over the little 4 inch shoes I'll secretly keep in the closet forever...

the down.  

This is it.  

When the last of the baby hormones leave. The hormones high and low is ligit. You carry the pregnancy hormones in your body till you are done breastfeeding - the hormones act as a survival for the baby, enhancing your senses, sensitivity, keeping you plump for the milk supply, and triggering your emotions ... I never felt the low I always heard breastfeeding mothers talk of - the crying for days, the loss of appetite suddenly, weight gain and loss in days, and the mood swings -since I had two babies in a row without stopping the breastfeeding before getting pregnant again, the hormones never left yet... One year and four months of a child physically bonded to you - of your body molded to their chemistry, producing their needs, entwining their 20 pound little body against your chest and belly... 

And when finally the nights of constant waking and contorted necks, days of back aches, starvation, unquenchable thirst and hourly enslavement is done ... 

The movie starts playing... The first time you held them at their 20 inch size, the tiny eyes meeting yours, that powdery, wet-skin smell, that little grasp of fingers around your thumb in the night, the first giggle, the proud, wide-eyed look of accomplishment when that turn-on-tummy happens, the high squeal cooing, first fascination hearing Elmo on TV, delight of squishing rice against their face, sucking toes, first time saying "mama" to you , two-foot-tall with arms reaching wide out for you, the nuzzling face against your shoulder, squat dancing to the radio, chasing bugs, the falls, the pudgy, scraped knees, the ice packs, the whimpers, sand in the mouth, sand in the diaper, grass in the mouth, grass in the hair, running after the ball and tripping, running after you...and laughing - big mouth, squinty eyes, three-teeth-grins that always ended warm in your arms...

I always heard about this downturn when you finally got free from breastfeeding, but I never had the "miss you" yet...when I stopped breastfeeding Elia, I was already two months pregnant with Kana'i - my breasts never stopped feeling a bit full, my last two pounds never dropped, my hunger and exhaustion never left.

3 years I've felt demanded of. Consumed. Belonging to others. Owned. Without identity beside a body that depleted its nutrition, sleep, pleasure, friendships, entertainment, and adulthood 24 hours a day. And now the graduation is over. And I'm singing Sara's, "I will remember you, will you remember me..." Like I'm watching a class goodbye-slideshow at Senior Night. 

I'll miss you how fun you think it is just to make faces... 

I'll miss you fitting in this carrier, wanting to be held instead of running free... 

My breasts are back to pre baby size today. The rock solid knots that were splintering my core with any touch to the nipples have subsided some. I have to massage my now small-Cs throughout the day or I feel a tingling that leads to a stiff chest, arm, neck and headache. The leaking had stopped from the right breast. As hormone shifts always causes stress to my face; the series of random breakouts is now only on my right cheek and jawline instead of both cheeks. The dizzy spells have been gone a couple days. The dry skin is leaving. My hair has been shedding more and more each day. An all over itch has been happening. The hunger is gone. I'm drinking a cup of water only to pee it out in an hour instead of my body retaining every ounce in deprivation... Makani has noted my quick irritability and feisty behavior - frustrated it has not resulted in any satisfying excitement for him like usual fiesty days end with... We are in the end of the infant stage of my life and I suddenly feel what I knew would be coming: To reminisce of having them as little babies. No, I don't want more right now at all - I NEED a break for sanity of finding myself again and heck, for the sake of keeping romance and the family together and happy! But now, knowing its done - my body knowing its done, knowing they won't be running to hold me every hour soon enough...

I am going to miss my babies. 

I'll miss you being so small that you hold onto my leg in the jumping castle...

I'll miss you mad at me with that grumpy cold shoulder... 

I'll miss that grin ... 

Always running together... 

I'll miss playing mermaids... 

Fitting you each in an arm.., 

I'll miss the days of hanging out in boxes, before you discovered climbing on tables... 

I'll miss when you always wanted to have the same clothes as me, especially leather jacket...

I'll miss this believe it or not... 

And this moment that makes wherever you both are my home.,, 

Life with a Fisherman

My daughter keeps asking why our backyard smells so stinky. Her little tykes slide is facing the area her dad dumped the remaining fish guts last week. It's like that rotten smell of produce except with a sulfuric ash aftertaste. The salt water and grime of squishy insides - things i'm hoping my one year old son doesn't see or he will eat it....Yep. He's a real boy, apparently. He likes dirt. Being Barefoot. throwing rocks. Grinding teeth on rocks to my dismay. Checks out his member with smiles. And when Daddy brings home a cooler of fish fresh caught that day, with ice brimming to the top, Kana'i gets sooo excited that he leans over, diving head first into the cooler, saying one of the only words he can, "Fflllliiiisshh!"

We eat fish pretty regularly, except Makani is the only one who really knows how to scale them, clean them, slice them without damaging the parts we wanna eat ... He eats everything though - sucks a fried head or tail till the bones are left. He knows which fish tastes better or which texture can uphold what cooking style. My favorite is the Oio (bonefish) made into fried patty cakes that he mixes with vegetables and spices. Our kids can be pretty picky but they will always that dish😊. Of course, I don't know if they realize the same fish in the cooler is what's on their plate. Elia is three and huge fan of Nemo so, I'm sure there will be a day we have drama about eating fish...I love it though. Besides the stinky backyard (God Makani, did you really have to dump it so close to the kids play area?), I love how fresh we receive it, the taste, how healthy it is, and how natural it is for Makani to obtain.

Of course, Makani so confindently wanted to take baby Elia out on a trolling boat at 6 months old, out in the deep waters. Ahhh!!! Mommy alert was firing! He said it would be a "couple hours" but if you really know fisherman tales - it's always exaggerated - more like 6 hours. And even two hours or taking an infant out on a boat in sea at all is damn nuts. But that's just it. To be as hard core of a waterman as Makani and these guys he hangs with are, you gotta be a little nuts...coming home from a long day working to not even shower, pack a bag of shrimp for bait, restring a reel that took a couple hours to clean, grab Toby's (reef shoes), polarized brown shades (to see through the wading water), excited to stand still in cold ocean with all that equipment strapped on your back for hours in the wind - not even guaranteed a catch - means you must really have a love for this.He doesn't go as much as he used to since babies were born - I mean hell, I need help with the kids being so little since we don't have immediate family here and he works 7 days outta 7 self employed. But it defiantly is fun seeing the kids all excited when he does come back with a salty truck and a white cooler filled with a catch. Best part is Makani stays happy and calmed down being alone in the sea.

Sometimes we go with him for shore fishing. We got the little one strapped to my back and the other wearing Toby's too. Elia can hold a pole pretty well now - since she could just barely talk, she would say, " Daddy and Elia go fishing." Kana'i, the baby, charges into the ocean wide-eyed, as soon as he sees it. He has no fear about sea creatures - hands straight to hold the slimy molusk snail, shrimp, fish whatever he can. Must be in the blood somewhat I guess. Fishermen have a kind of personality, not everyone can handle that type of hard labor, patient waiting, rocking waters, sunburn, winds, sharks and beasts within inches next to them ... The dirty. Oh yes, the ability to stomach blood and guts daily, mold and grime, excrement, rotten, and not mention dirty language. They are tough and warm hearted. It's a dying trade amount the younger generations. 

One in the garage... 

Of course, Makani has his own style - that means life with him is moldy smelling board shorts left in bathroom, bedroom, living room, garage and kitchen as he just strips whenever he comes in wherever that may be. Great food. A lot of salt in the pantry. Like do we need a fifth container of Hawaiian salt, really? And yes, I bought you more dried Opi (shrimp) to cook with the Oio can you stop asking.

These don't include what is inside... 

More by the garage .... 

Next to Chicks and Cars, Coolers are the hottest ticket. He's streaming sale ads for COOLER DEALS on the regular. Like, I avoid sending him to Sams Club for household items because he will always forget the list in his hand once he sees a cooler. Could be worse addictions. 😉 So I've just accepted that my kids and backyard will be smelling like moldy sea and fish guts. I've gotten used to them tripping over fishing poles in the office, climbing coolers like stairs, and spending hours excited over the "ugly fat snake Daddy took out of the shell". I know now that "you wanna go to the beach, babe?" Really means, " let's go to the shoreline where there's not much sand for the kids and no soft shorebreak for them to swim safely in, wade in cold water with rashguards and shorts so you can't get a tan, snacking on bait of bread and dried shrimp while Dad gets a fish," ... And I'll say?

YES!

Trying to Wean

We have a last minuet audition today, I found out an hour ago that it's this afternoon for sure. Oh, plenty of time, right? Not when you have the #iwantboobdalldaylong and #idontwantbrothertouchingmydollies ... 

For auditions, you need to go in dressed nice, makeup done, clean and in good spirits. Makeup (the whole deal from foundation or bb cream up to blush and mascara) usually takes under an hour except with kids.

I only got that far (pic above) in one hour ... Because the little Mr. Throws a fit and I've already given all snacks possible, his favorite cartoons, even let him play with my brushes as he clung to my legs, and had him occupied with sis. Eventually, all fails. I've been trying to wean him for a couple weeks now. Failing miserably. Because anytime I want to get anything done in a timely manner, I can't be dealing with the screaming and crying that happens from brother bothering sister out of frustration at no attention.... Like today, he wouldn't leave me alone to even finish one eyelid of shawdow so I'm sitting him down next to Elia hoping to distract him and of course he starts chewing on her princess stickers that she's so proudly trying to match to the sticker story book it comes with. So I give her a different toy (since it's easier then fighting him on the stickers and hoping to distract her from the fact her stickers are ruined ), the dress your doll (Melissa and Doug - all you moms know) and of course he's suddenly over the stickers, trying to throw all the pieces of her dress up set across the room in two seconds.

Hence the reason I gave into the breastfeeding😬. And as I'm breastfeeding, Elia's is yelling she needs help turning off the faucet to wash her hands. So I'm stuck just letting the water run for five minuets while I'm in this position. And as soon as I get him off and rush to the bathroom, Kana'i is trailing me excited to check out what she left in the baby potty (on the floor for toddler independent accessibility). "No!!" I'm yelling as his hand is an inch away from dodo... I pull him out of the bathroom, f*** I'll just pour out the doo into the big potty to flush later. And he's screaming again saying "mama!" Pounding his chest signaling boob. No! I go to kitchen to give him an alternative. Meat first, because he's a caveman obsessed with meat and salt. Corn beef that his dad made in crock pot - he turns his head away in disgust. The chicken soup I was trying to finish - no. Banana - no. Cheese, crackers, Apple, blueberries, eggs, rice - fuck it, goldfish? A cookie? I don't care what anymore just stop breastfeeding. Raisins! He took it! OMG I sit down in relief and start to blog...here I am literally ending this blog and he comes over to help himself. I can't even finish 5 minuets of writing without him opening up my shirt, pulling down my bra and taking "his" breast. 😳 Ahhhh!!!!

Behind the Scenes at Elia's First Fitting

My daughter is 3. She has been asked to audition for a few print and commercial jobs since 6 months old, but due to the nature of the industry and schedules, did not have a real agency booking until now... (Can't say from who just yet). So what is it like? Fun, yes...but for the mom holding the diapered younger brother through it all, a bit stressful, haha.

Elia was very comfortable auditioning in front of the camera, speaking and smiling with strangers against a blank white wall and a cold, air-conditioned, non-kid space. That was two weeks ago. Makani took her because I was choreographing and conducting a rehearsal for an upcoming fashion show (that just took place this past weekend); he is a great dad - took both the kids alone through the first screening which he is not really used to doing at all (neither auditioning much nor having both kids alone for an appointment). The callback, I took her to - it was a whole hour of waiting with all the kids getting ansy and then being pulled to a seperate camera room without us, the parents, being able to know what went on (because I do this often, I know what happens, but many parents get nervous). She came out saying she put candy on her head, whatever that meant. 

So then we get the confirmation (a day later than we were told to wait for) that she got the job...after I already made plans to have my friends over for a birthday facial and lunch - ahh! I rearranged everything of course! My daughter's first big gig is more important for her self esteem (and convenient for her educational fund). So, fittings are the appointments before the job, of which you try on clothes to be approved by production directors and artistic contributors and so on... It should be easy but because there are usually so many people chimming in, it's not so simple. And well, today's fitting was in Waimanalo at 4pm on a weekday which means a long drive (40 min) to and more so, with traffic on way back (1 hour plus) with toddlers who need to use the bathroom and eat every half hour😆. Mondays are one of the three days I have daycare help (the only days I get to catch up on anything at all!!!) so I picked them up early to be able to first check diapers, give the demanded snack, check mapquest, and make the drive. 

Took us a couple turn arounds to find the place (no numbers in obvious view) but we were there early. Had to strap the little one in the backpack carrier while packing his diapers, wipes, water bottle, and jackets (for the back-and-forth rain going on all day) in a bag, and unbuckle Elia out while trying to keep the other from getting smashed in between us. The norm with two. He's trying to pull out my boob as we walk. Males. And once we meet our contact point, we are given outfits to try on in a nice room of the house. Of course I have to take off everyone's shoes, (hawaii means no shoes indoors) and in order to dress her, I had to let Kana'i out of the carrier in the new, non-babyproofed frontier... Ah!!! Keys banging on the glass table while I'm pulling Elia's shirt off. And then he's trying to stand on the low glass table while I'm buttoning up the pants. Fuck. The others ladies comment, "Wow, you got your hands full." Yes, none of them have a toddler plus another baby. They give me bout 5 outfits to change her into. Of course, Kana'i starts to fuss for my boob. Instead of having an embarrassing tantrum fight, I just pull out the left side, sit on a chair and hold him across with one arm while using the other to hold the collar of Elia's top, instructing her to pull herself backwards in order to get out of it. How else am I supposed to change her alone while he's at his dinner hour? Finally, the 4 heads approve an outfit - then asking me to undress her of course, as Kana'i has broken free and is running hands through the dirt of the landscaped courtyard. Thank you to the other mother who helped to watch him at that moment. And in redoing the whole backpack getup again, I have to pee. I ask Elia if she has to go as I know it will be a long drive. She says no. I'm locked in the bathroom with Kana'i who is opening the sink cabinets and excitedly slamming them shut over and over again as I'm stuck on the toilet in the longest pee, helpless to stop him, and I hear Elia yelling from the other side, "I have to go Potty!"

The PlayDough Debate

Modeling means you are self-employed as in you file your own taxes, take care of your own health insurance, transportation, and fashion needs. "Mommying" means you are non-profit (haha) taking handouts for all help especially time from others to watch your kids while you desperately get to shower.  

Filing taxes as as an independent contractor with two dependants means you need to sort through all receipts and claim costs of not only clothes, fashion accessories, cosmetics, skincare, hair care, gym membership, nail salons, and gas costs but also daycare costs, babysitters, health insurance and dental coverage for your children. It takes much more time if you have things being paid out of multiple account like I do ... as a mom stressed in the store while one child yells she has to go potty in the checkout line and the other is throwing out the fresh produce from his buckled-in cart chair mad he is held there instead of running through the isles pulling all down all merchandise in toddler success...so as your time is of the essence, you reach for your credit card, it's gone. One child took it out somewhere along the way and yes, you'll find it in the bathtub later (it really does happen). So you reach for cash, not enough. So you give her whatever other card is there, the business one, the husbands one - F*** trying to keep your accounts seperate from personal money vs. business related money. Kids make your receipts a pain to itemize.

I'm there. 😅At that pain of itemizing part. So yes, kids, you can play playdough. Play whatever the hell it takes to stop bothering me so I can concentrate for five solid minuets straight on these credit card statements...playdough stuck in carpet for me to have to dig out later? It's that or she ends up shoving him in a couple minuets out of frustration that he can't talk and hold a three-year-old tea-party conversation. Or I let them play outside (the equally begged for activity) of which I have to go with them and drag the entire stash of receipts, statements, calculator, check books , and lap top to the one garden bench I have without a table (as I haven't had time to get a kid-friendly and affordable one yet for this rather new home we moved into) - all while hoping it doesn't rain here in drizzly Manoa Valley or that my one year old won't come and smear my computer with dirt in my moment of concentration. (😐) I'll choose digging out playdough from carpet at midnight I guess.

All those Kids YouTube Videos making head-way... 

Pregnancies - the Comparisons

So people keep asking, what were my pregnancies like?  And we're they planned?Very different from each other from the get-go! And planned?

Two within two years? Hell no!

9 months pregnant with my second pregnancy in 2014...

With my firstborn, a girl, Elia, I became pregnant the week of my 24th birthday, unintentionally (Although I had some major signs I didn't take seriously - see my dream prophecies later for more on that story).  I was not aware until my boyfriend (baby daddy) mentioned how big my breasts had become within a couple weeks. I had noticed some tense muscles all around my underarm, back, chest and a pain by my tailbone but I thought it was due to the very busy work life and active romance I was having at the time... Sure enough the pants were snug, I gained a few pounds and once I became a week late for my period, I took a pregnancy test. Being it was my first time ever taking a test, I was still not wanting to believe it. Ah! Not ready! Although come to find, I really was ready (it was more not ready to feel "stuck" and slowed down as many of you first time moms know). Of course, I am so very glad she came against my planning! 

A little over 8 months pregnant with Elia in 2012, working with Photographer Kim Taylor Reece...

Second time, I became pregnant with my son when my daughter was 14 months old (just barely a year, still in diapers, saying just a few words, just starting to have great sex again, still breastfeeding), again unintentional.  I was really paranoid of becoming pregnant so soon because I was totally aware of how much work it is, how tired you are, the stress it puts on the marriage and romantic life (or what becomes lack of), the extreme pains on your body and long recovery, not to mention financial cost and daily responsibly you have to another being for the rest of your life!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids and family but I'm not naive - for if you care about their well being - you are enslaved regardless of any rewards. So when I had two spiritual healers tell me I was destined to have another child after barely coming back to normal size from my daughter, I was in denial and actively trying to prevent it. (More on the "destined children" to come in dream prophecies stories). Let me note, Yes, I was on birth control - although it was the mini pill as it was the only hormone form of prevention I could take while breastfeeding as your baby absorbs all you intake ... And being that I was breastfeeding regularly, your body is supposedly not ready for fertility as most women do not even have their first period until their breastfeeding is done, subsided, or they are around 1 year post-partem (I've been told) - mine? Apparently I am unusually fertile and of that strange minority that has a regular period not even 8 weeks after giving birth regardless of the depleting nutrition and energy from solely breastfeeding. Ugh! ... So these "spiritual healers?" I had been breaking out in awful acne about 7 months post-partem and went looking for natural ways to cure (as all over-the-counter and prescription acne medications are not safe for breastfeeding) and both told me I was allergic to birth control hormones and would have problems with birth control until I had my second destined child to come! Ah what?! For real?! No!!... But yes! After getting clinical skin tests, indeed I had no strong allergies to foods that would have caused the acne rash and yes, it did seem to be the hormone! In stopping, it still took a few months to leave my system (as all hormones). So, yes, I was just started the search through alternative types of birth control when boom, I already was pregnant again... I didn't need a test to tell me this time though - I was SICK. Naseaus, throwing up daily, dizzy to the point if not seeing clear while driving, forgetting names and basic volcabulary mid-sentence, out of breath just walking up stairs (after having been regularly running cardio and back to my normal 112 pounds) ... So by the time the scale said a few more pounds, I booked an ultrasound. Sure enough, the home pee- test also said an immediate yes. Two babies under two years?! Yikes! It's really really hard but yes, I am sooo glad I have them! And so glad to have them be best buds now that they play together☺️!

A little over 7 months pregnant with Kana'i in 2014, working with Photographer Kaveh Kardan...

The Symptoms? 

With Elia, I was sooo sick and uncomfortable during the second trimester (4-6 months).

Throwing up✔️  First eye opening in morning , I'd already be holding in a hurl. Riding in the car for long periods of time made me motion sick too. Makani didn't pull over fast enough one time. I said "Now. Pull over. " he said "Ok, next exit." Nope. Now meant right then. Puke in the door pocket and the floor mats. I had attempted rolling down the window without enough time...Anytime I smelt or tasted Seasame Oil, I'd feel sick (Food Adversions✔️) which sucks cause Hawaii's foods are FULL of sesame based ingredients. Worst was i couldn't have my hubby even sleep next to me if he ate his favorite bedtime snack (and usually I love it too as we grow up on this stuff here) - saimin with Seasame oil and chili flakes. The slight smell of it on his breathe alone made me throw up instantly. Of course I ended up not wanting him to sleep next to me anyways as I got bigger (you keep tossing to ease the pull of the weight and the swelling from laying too long in one position) and your baby body gets HOT! ✔️ All you mamas know! The heat! And in Hawaii summer?! F***! Don't hold me! Don't snuggle with me! Get me more water, please. Please help me get up from the sunken-in bed to go pee for the fifth time tonight. No, you can't have more than one pillow and yes, you take up too much room on the bed - it's all my side and the baby you made, sucker! 😂😂😂 

Fruit - I ate fruit constantly with the 1st pregnancy. Papayas, berries, pineapple, and especially Bananas (with peanut butter too) and poor Jamba Juice saw me at least once a day by the time 6months hit. Other Food Cravings ✔️  included milk products (especially cheese), lots of breads and cereal type food. (I conveniently worked at a Triathlon-Training shop that had tons of protein bars and endurance bars which perhaps contributed to my daughters no need for sleep extremity. She always went to bed at midnight 😳 since birth sleeping only till 6am without me waking her, and by 1 years old barely took a one hour nap in day while my son, with same parents and same infant home, get sleepy and wants to go to bed early on his own, like 7:30/8pm and likes his naps)

With Kana'i, I was sick from the get go. But really, the big one was I was HUUUNNNGREEEEYYY!!!✔️ I never looked at meat like that before in my life. I felt like man watching porn - eyes fixed on every dark slab of bloody flavor, saliva building, and just thinking about the next barbecue rib or Pork Roast as soon as I finished an entire Burger! 

The boobs weren't the first things to grow second time. My booty filled out first. Hips✔️. And then the dizzy naseau took over and I knew I was for sure pregnant. This time I wasn't nervous or in shock because you know what to expect generally. However, I was stressed thinking "Shoot, i just got back to pre-baby body without stretch marks, without vaginal rips, (tips on that later) and am finally getting some well deserved sexy-time...ugh!!" (😉all contributing to getting pregnant again as Makani reminds me) 😂😂.

Halloween 2011, awaiting birth of daughter, Elia...

Second pregnancy was ten pounds heavier than the first. People had no idea how small I used to be before pregnancy so of course I looked normal to them when they saw me a few months out of birthing a child - but I went from a size 0-2 USA to 7-10 and god knows how much bigger because you end up stretching the clothes to last till that bitter end. I gained 50 pounds the first pregnancy and 60 pounds the second. Yes. You read that right. And no stretch marks? Not on stomach - the small ones I already had from teen growth in my booty and hips became a little more visible, but luckily, that is it (***See Anti-Sttetchmark post in Product Review). I'm still awaiting breasts to come down a size (I went from 32c to 34ddd and back down - I am a 32d currently) but so far, all is well. Fingers crossed. It has to do with Oiling skin, hydration, and diet... But by 1 year each time, the entire weight was gone - mostly FROM BREASTFEEDING FULL TIME and lifestyle (I'll explain those secrets later). Thank god, no hemroids, yet many women get this from the weight of pregnancy and pushing in labor. But I did have a bulging vagina lip during the second pregnancy for sure! Scared the Sh*t outta me! I thought for sure I would have one lip massively larger and overlapping the other forever😫 but within a month it was gone. I was crying to Makani that my vagina would never be sexy again. (He promised to find a toy that would satisfy whatever state remained if he couldn't😂) And why the excessive swelling and pressure down there? Because my sons head was so deeply wedged into my groin. All babies in a tummy cause an awful pressure that feels like an overworked muscle in sweat, but this kid had shoved his head so deep I actually couldn't lean forward (at bout 34 weeks) without feeling a bowling ball.  Boys. They always want to be in your croch. They start there and they always end up there. Ugh. My girl never got so far into my goods - in fact we had to induce her to get her going down there 😂 but that's another story...

Starting the 2nd trimester of pregnancy with son, Kana'i - although we didn't know his sex until birth...

Life before kids

I was a year out of college when I met Makani - and was trying to breathe after an early adulthood start (out of house at 16, in college by 17), a BSBA, long term boyfriends and managing retail shops, before getting serious in life again... So, I was having fun modeling and working promotions, getting in free to clubs and events, socially exploring, dating steadily but thinking kids would be another 6/7 years... But of course, I was pregnant within 6 months of Makani and I getting together, unexpectedly, and terrified. I was not afraid about being a mom but ... So soon? And without having had lived together yet or having a solid plan? Scariest decision I've ever made but so glad I decided to go ahead with having babies - they made both of us have to bond deeper than ever as friends, lovers, and parents but also in facing your true wants and needs on life... Things we don't usually know until confronted. 

A couple months into our relationship in 2011, at a bikini competition for Beach Angels Calendar shot by Orlando Benedicto...

Ha! I used to drink a couple bottles of wine nightly, no problem, and get up early to even walk and jog to work sometimes. Now, I can barely have one glass of wine before I'm too tired to handle waking up the every two hours in the night to breastfeed or change a diaper. And never can I leave the house on foot with two of them both needing diapers and food, both needing to be carried half the time, and not to mention your energy level drained to oblivion. I used to spend $40 at the grocery store without worrying that I would have to go back if I forgot something. Now it's $180 and a bitch to have to drag two fussy, tired toddlers into shop anywhere. I used to have only a Tampon, lip gloss, swimsuit and towel in my car. Now I have diapers, wipes, blankets, crunchy snacks, plastic bags (just in case), extra shoes, thermometers and band aids (just in case), water bottles, sippy cups, stuffed animals, books, Barbie, fake cell phone, dinosaur figurines, umbrella, a double stroller, a zoo pass, lotion for my ever-dry-from-washing hands, a shit load of crumbs stuffed into every crevice of the back seat...and god knows, I never get to listen to the car radio since my daughter started singing "Up, Down, Fuck you up."

 ...but would I change it? 

Celebrating officially, "We are Pregnant and Keeping Baby" with both excitement and fear...

Never.