Deep In the Tunnel

8 months. Its been that long since I’ve been able to talk about my life in a full page. Because with a third baby under 5 years, a husband that runs a company in the home and no immediate family to help watch any kids, I am consumed. You definitly are misunderstood at this point. People think they know, husbands know only half because unless you were pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding, working part time from home and elsewhere while cleaning, cooking, diapering, grocery shopping, household shopping, house repairing, receipt logging, doctor visiting, emergency visiting, blood cleaning, and cringing at the credit card bills getting you through the weeks you haven't slept more than 4 hours… you don’t know. 

This is where having friends to talk to is crucial. You feel so beyond everyone else’s complaints of their one child daycare costs or the complaints of the inlays that live with them and love and care for their child when ever they want a night out… Three kids under 5 is about $22-$30 an hour in Honolulu and its not just the money that is taking away from your chance to keep your love alive or your sanity, but its the fact that not everyone CAN watch you kid/kids…because some are great with one but certainly can’t mange two or three, or some are great with your rules and ways of living but are never on time or come in sick which gets all your kids sick. And then there are even those sitters who lie about who they are or their experience, or the ones who bring over people you don’t know while you are gone and the only way you know anything is from the broken language of your 3 yr old when you return home. Some sitters move away because well its way cheaper to live somewhere else or they follow a boyfriend. So when you do find those good ones, you will work with their schedule which of course is often all over the place since they are in demand. Daycare is about $1100-$2000 a month if they are under 2 yrs old and often that price doesn't cover full days or food. 

So life was already complicated with two and three made it clear I absolutely had to be full time mommy and housewife…Always dishes from cooking, always three baskets of laundry waiting to be folded while four hampers sit full to be cleaned. Buying fruits. milk, yogurt, eggs and meat every two days because trying to buy bulk at places like Costco or Sams Club is really hard when you have a baby who wants to be held and is too small to put in the shopping cart seat. Not to mention, you’ll have to change in the bathroom or go breastfeed in the middle of it all or you’ll be stuck in a huge line while she cries the whole time. And god forbid you have two more with you who have to pee at any given moment or can get out of the cart and run away in awe of some stuffed animal a few isles back. And the time to find parking to be able to take a carseat out - forget it. I don’t even have room in the van to put the bulk items because I have 3 carseats by law (until age 8) and a big double stroller taking up my trunk… So, men - don’t complain when mama is buying higher prices in smaller packages at the less-crowded, more-parking grocery chains, k? And Safeway delivery has SAVED me in this postpartum recovery! But you have to book them a full day before, ladies!

Don’t get me wrong, I LLLLOOOOVVVVEE my kids. I am so grateful to have someone so financial stable that we have the option to choose less stressful choices ( like in shopping ) but like so many moms have told me, “Staying at home as a full time mom was harder than any job I’ve ever had, more time demanding than anyone ever paid me to do, and I am lonely because there are no adults to praise you or feel unified with like in a workplace…You especially feel lost because you physically are going through more changes then you ever have in your life and no one can feel what you are feeling or give you compassion in the home you are the soul support for.”

— The 25 mom friends who have confided in me and I assume want to remain anonymous

So, yes, we stay at home moms have the joy of bonding and being so in tune with our children and husband’s life that it forces stronger ties, loyalty, and secures stability for them in the long run, allows less sickness because of someone consistent caring for them 24/7 and less mess because someone can attend to the house chores more regularly … but you can never prepare for the emotions and physical drains of motherhood that come with birthing a child. Ask any mother if they thought it would be as it is after children. If you love them, your life becomes around theirs because they are not capable of being self reliant for ANYTHING…even at age 4, my daughter cant unbutton her back bottoms to take off certain tops. She can't reach the sink faucet without a sturdy stool, can’t read the labels, can’t hold a dish well enough to truly scrub off the grime (although she tries), can’t explain that she’s extra tired because she’s got a fever coming on, can’t explain that her preschool friend destroyed her card she made for me and so she instead doesnt’ wanna talk that whole night… These are the basics that people don’t realize are mom’s jobs to “do” or figure out blind. And add more the mix, you are going back and forth between each of them at their different stage of life…

Redoing Kanai’s shoes because he put them on backwards.

        Meanwhile: Baby Haea started standing and is sucking on the bottoms of the shoes left by the door. (Why are the shoes left by the door? Because Dad came in from a tour to switch equipment and shoes and leave in a hurry.)

        Meanwhile: Elia calls from the bathroom that there is no more toilet paper. (She’s a girl, girls always need toilet paper.)

“Kana’i, switch your shoes (point to feet), I have to help Elia.” Pick up baby and pull shoe outta mouth. Take her to bathroom with me.

On the way there, Kana’i: “Mom, I need help! Don’t leave me! Wait!” starts crying in frustration and runs after me in his socks only to slip on the wooden floor and fall backwards. Deep Crying.

“Hold on Kanai!”

Grab a new toilet paper roll from the shelf that is too high for Elia to have reached anyway. (Why so high? Because Baby Haea now can reach the lower shelf and will eat it if it is there as she can fully crawl, stand, and obtain items in her arms. And she has proven to LLLOOOOVVEE swallowing toilet paper.) Put toilet paper on the holder and proceed to the sink to wash out Haea’ mouth. There is dirt in her mouth. She is smiling up a storm. (Why care to even wash? They can easily get sick like as in vomit, diarrhea, or fever from eating bacteria or toxins from uncensored items like what is on the bottom of a shoe.)

        Meanwhile: Kanai is bawling dramatically in the hall still yelling with tears, “Mamma! I need help! I can’t do my shoes! Don’t leave me! I big boy!” As I am yelling back to just wait. 

Put Haea down on the carpet in the kid’s room while I get his shoes on the right feet and hug him with irritation in my voice, “Baby, it’s ok! I just went to help Elia! I love you.” 

“OH no, Mom!” Elia yells from the bedroom. “Haea climbed on the bed and is leaning over the edge!”

Dash the 5 feet over into the bedroom to catch Haea by the legs as she’s headed head first off the bed railing side. Elia is on the ground arms open hoping to catch her. (Yes, what a sweetie of a sister, I am blessed!)

Kanai is yelling, “Mom, more bacon pweeessee!” completely unaware of Baby Haea’s fall. 

Mind you, we are trying to leave to get to preschool before the circle time begins.

“Kanai, you already ate! We brushed your teeth!” 

Silence. I got out to the living room to check on the silence. Elia is still looking for matching socks to wear even though even morning we tell her it doesn’t matter because we cant’ find all the matching ones ever. 

Kanai has his mouth stuffed with bananas, the only item that was left uneaten on the table - which was supposed to be Elia’s banana that she didn’t get to finish because she had to doodoo. Caught red handed. Big mushy grin. chunks falling out. God damnit. 

And that is just Ten min. By the time the kids are at school and I finally get to eat and have coffee, baby is hungry and needs to breastfeed. Dishes are piled from the morning. Hazardous toys from the kids morning wreckage must be cleaned up before Baby chokes on any of it while I am using the bathroom. Then of course laundry begins - usually with at least one partly shi-shi-d item or wet board shorts from Makani’s tours…Yes, you get bored of the home stuff. Especially after lunch when you wanna do something for yourself, but there are those piles of recipes to file or the paperwork for one kid’s mandatory medical info, immunization scheduling, your own follow up at the doctors for postpartum or breastfeeding issues, the extracurricular programs like Hula or Japanese Language which of course if you put one kid into, you have to put the other… but then mostly, your life is the breastfeeding and diapering guys. For real. Every hour a boob out which means you will be thirsty and hungry after, which leads to more dishes and more diapers to change…. and of course Makani comes in from work talking about the child-free lunch he got to have discussing important issues that involve many ADULTS which is my only little glimpse to the outside world sometimes and soon its time to pick up the other two… 

Maybe a few weeks would be awesome - yes, it sounds like a nice break from normal work… but do this everyday for 5 years, you kinda lose sight of excitement after awhile…thats where I am ladies and gentlemen… I gave birth to the first baby almost 5 years ago, of which I breastfed over a year, to be pregnant again, to birth again, to breastfeed over a year again, to be pregnant again… and we are at the 8months breastfeeding…almost to that one year mark where they can actually eat food; one year is the doctor recommended timespan - when their immunity builds the most and the mind enhances with your bonding; one year is when I can feel I completed my duty, finally. Days definitly blend together. Sometimes I defiantly fall asleep so tired or I have to leave the house mess the whole day just to feel sane. Some days I envy Makani’s work because it involves intelligent conversing with adults who appreciate you. Some days I just play with Baby all day and fuck the laundry - wait for it to build up and Makani feel obligated (He does help, don't hate him). And then some days I do what all the other moms with babies do, I cry in frustration. You want to be close to your kids and be the best mom, and then you also want to feel unrestricted and without forced hormonal, emotional binds like… Men.

To all you mamas out there, when they don’t say wow, you handle a lot - I know you do. Everyone says its only for a few years. But damn, Mama, for these few years, I feel you.