Deep In the Tunnel

8 months. Its been that long since I’ve been able to talk about my life in a full page. Because with a third baby under 5 years, a husband that runs a company in the home and no immediate family to help watch any kids, I am consumed. You definitly are misunderstood at this point. People think they know, husbands know only half because unless you were pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding, working part time from home and elsewhere while cleaning, cooking, diapering, grocery shopping, household shopping, house repairing, receipt logging, doctor visiting, emergency visiting, blood cleaning, and cringing at the credit card bills getting you through the weeks you haven't slept more than 4 hours… you don’t know. 

This is where having friends to talk to is crucial. You feel so beyond everyone else’s complaints of their one child daycare costs or the complaints of the inlays that live with them and love and care for their child when ever they want a night out… Three kids under 5 is about $22-$30 an hour in Honolulu and its not just the money that is taking away from your chance to keep your love alive or your sanity, but its the fact that not everyone CAN watch you kid/kids…because some are great with one but certainly can’t mange two or three, or some are great with your rules and ways of living but are never on time or come in sick which gets all your kids sick. And then there are even those sitters who lie about who they are or their experience, or the ones who bring over people you don’t know while you are gone and the only way you know anything is from the broken language of your 3 yr old when you return home. Some sitters move away because well its way cheaper to live somewhere else or they follow a boyfriend. So when you do find those good ones, you will work with their schedule which of course is often all over the place since they are in demand. Daycare is about $1100-$2000 a month if they are under 2 yrs old and often that price doesn't cover full days or food. 

So life was already complicated with two and three made it clear I absolutely had to be full time mommy and housewife…Always dishes from cooking, always three baskets of laundry waiting to be folded while four hampers sit full to be cleaned. Buying fruits. milk, yogurt, eggs and meat every two days because trying to buy bulk at places like Costco or Sams Club is really hard when you have a baby who wants to be held and is too small to put in the shopping cart seat. Not to mention, you’ll have to change in the bathroom or go breastfeed in the middle of it all or you’ll be stuck in a huge line while she cries the whole time. And god forbid you have two more with you who have to pee at any given moment or can get out of the cart and run away in awe of some stuffed animal a few isles back. And the time to find parking to be able to take a carseat out - forget it. I don’t even have room in the van to put the bulk items because I have 3 carseats by law (until age 8) and a big double stroller taking up my trunk… So, men - don’t complain when mama is buying higher prices in smaller packages at the less-crowded, more-parking grocery chains, k? And Safeway delivery has SAVED me in this postpartum recovery! But you have to book them a full day before, ladies!

Don’t get me wrong, I LLLLOOOOVVVVEE my kids. I am so grateful to have someone so financial stable that we have the option to choose less stressful choices ( like in shopping ) but like so many moms have told me, “Staying at home as a full time mom was harder than any job I’ve ever had, more time demanding than anyone ever paid me to do, and I am lonely because there are no adults to praise you or feel unified with like in a workplace…You especially feel lost because you physically are going through more changes then you ever have in your life and no one can feel what you are feeling or give you compassion in the home you are the soul support for.”

— The 25 mom friends who have confided in me and I assume want to remain anonymous

So, yes, we stay at home moms have the joy of bonding and being so in tune with our children and husband’s life that it forces stronger ties, loyalty, and secures stability for them in the long run, allows less sickness because of someone consistent caring for them 24/7 and less mess because someone can attend to the house chores more regularly … but you can never prepare for the emotions and physical drains of motherhood that come with birthing a child. Ask any mother if they thought it would be as it is after children. If you love them, your life becomes around theirs because they are not capable of being self reliant for ANYTHING…even at age 4, my daughter cant unbutton her back bottoms to take off certain tops. She can't reach the sink faucet without a sturdy stool, can’t read the labels, can’t hold a dish well enough to truly scrub off the grime (although she tries), can’t explain that she’s extra tired because she’s got a fever coming on, can’t explain that her preschool friend destroyed her card she made for me and so she instead doesnt’ wanna talk that whole night… These are the basics that people don’t realize are mom’s jobs to “do” or figure out blind. And add more the mix, you are going back and forth between each of them at their different stage of life…

Redoing Kanai’s shoes because he put them on backwards.

        Meanwhile: Baby Haea started standing and is sucking on the bottoms of the shoes left by the door. (Why are the shoes left by the door? Because Dad came in from a tour to switch equipment and shoes and leave in a hurry.)

        Meanwhile: Elia calls from the bathroom that there is no more toilet paper. (She’s a girl, girls always need toilet paper.)

“Kana’i, switch your shoes (point to feet), I have to help Elia.” Pick up baby and pull shoe outta mouth. Take her to bathroom with me.

On the way there, Kana’i: “Mom, I need help! Don’t leave me! Wait!” starts crying in frustration and runs after me in his socks only to slip on the wooden floor and fall backwards. Deep Crying.

“Hold on Kanai!”

Grab a new toilet paper roll from the shelf that is too high for Elia to have reached anyway. (Why so high? Because Baby Haea now can reach the lower shelf and will eat it if it is there as she can fully crawl, stand, and obtain items in her arms. And she has proven to LLLOOOOVVEE swallowing toilet paper.) Put toilet paper on the holder and proceed to the sink to wash out Haea’ mouth. There is dirt in her mouth. She is smiling up a storm. (Why care to even wash? They can easily get sick like as in vomit, diarrhea, or fever from eating bacteria or toxins from uncensored items like what is on the bottom of a shoe.)

        Meanwhile: Kanai is bawling dramatically in the hall still yelling with tears, “Mamma! I need help! I can’t do my shoes! Don’t leave me! I big boy!” As I am yelling back to just wait. 

Put Haea down on the carpet in the kid’s room while I get his shoes on the right feet and hug him with irritation in my voice, “Baby, it’s ok! I just went to help Elia! I love you.” 

“OH no, Mom!” Elia yells from the bedroom. “Haea climbed on the bed and is leaning over the edge!”

Dash the 5 feet over into the bedroom to catch Haea by the legs as she’s headed head first off the bed railing side. Elia is on the ground arms open hoping to catch her. (Yes, what a sweetie of a sister, I am blessed!)

Kanai is yelling, “Mom, more bacon pweeessee!” completely unaware of Baby Haea’s fall. 

Mind you, we are trying to leave to get to preschool before the circle time begins.

“Kanai, you already ate! We brushed your teeth!” 

Silence. I got out to the living room to check on the silence. Elia is still looking for matching socks to wear even though even morning we tell her it doesn’t matter because we cant’ find all the matching ones ever. 

Kanai has his mouth stuffed with bananas, the only item that was left uneaten on the table - which was supposed to be Elia’s banana that she didn’t get to finish because she had to doodoo. Caught red handed. Big mushy grin. chunks falling out. God damnit. 

And that is just Ten min. By the time the kids are at school and I finally get to eat and have coffee, baby is hungry and needs to breastfeed. Dishes are piled from the morning. Hazardous toys from the kids morning wreckage must be cleaned up before Baby chokes on any of it while I am using the bathroom. Then of course laundry begins - usually with at least one partly shi-shi-d item or wet board shorts from Makani’s tours…Yes, you get bored of the home stuff. Especially after lunch when you wanna do something for yourself, but there are those piles of recipes to file or the paperwork for one kid’s mandatory medical info, immunization scheduling, your own follow up at the doctors for postpartum or breastfeeding issues, the extracurricular programs like Hula or Japanese Language which of course if you put one kid into, you have to put the other… but then mostly, your life is the breastfeeding and diapering guys. For real. Every hour a boob out which means you will be thirsty and hungry after, which leads to more dishes and more diapers to change…. and of course Makani comes in from work talking about the child-free lunch he got to have discussing important issues that involve many ADULTS which is my only little glimpse to the outside world sometimes and soon its time to pick up the other two… 

Maybe a few weeks would be awesome - yes, it sounds like a nice break from normal work… but do this everyday for 5 years, you kinda lose sight of excitement after awhile…thats where I am ladies and gentlemen… I gave birth to the first baby almost 5 years ago, of which I breastfed over a year, to be pregnant again, to birth again, to breastfeed over a year again, to be pregnant again… and we are at the 8months breastfeeding…almost to that one year mark where they can actually eat food; one year is the doctor recommended timespan - when their immunity builds the most and the mind enhances with your bonding; one year is when I can feel I completed my duty, finally. Days definitly blend together. Sometimes I defiantly fall asleep so tired or I have to leave the house mess the whole day just to feel sane. Some days I envy Makani’s work because it involves intelligent conversing with adults who appreciate you. Some days I just play with Baby all day and fuck the laundry - wait for it to build up and Makani feel obligated (He does help, don't hate him). And then some days I do what all the other moms with babies do, I cry in frustration. You want to be close to your kids and be the best mom, and then you also want to feel unrestricted and without forced hormonal, emotional binds like… Men.

To all you mamas out there, when they don’t say wow, you handle a lot - I know you do. Everyone says its only for a few years. But damn, Mama, for these few years, I feel you. 

The Withdrawls

It's midnight. Everyone is sleeping which means I'd usually be in grateful bliss passing out without hesitation, exhausted from days of constant giving, no food till lunch, no sitting down because of the constant mess or need to physically remove one waddler from the danger... And all can do is go through my photo stream... Savoring each capture of glee and little laughing cheeks beaming... and wondering if I'll be missing the diaper waddle and floors covered in crumbs and stained from juice puddles enough to ... Want another one one day. 😅 Holy hell, don't let yourself give in! After that drawn-out birth story?!😳 I know, I know! Don't worry! I won't! ... I'll just cry at night over the little 4 inch shoes I'll secretly keep in the closet forever...

the down.  

This is it.  

When the last of the baby hormones leave. The hormones high and low is ligit. You carry the pregnancy hormones in your body till you are done breastfeeding - the hormones act as a survival for the baby, enhancing your senses, sensitivity, keeping you plump for the milk supply, and triggering your emotions ... I never felt the low I always heard breastfeeding mothers talk of - the crying for days, the loss of appetite suddenly, weight gain and loss in days, and the mood swings -since I had two babies in a row without stopping the breastfeeding before getting pregnant again, the hormones never left yet... One year and four months of a child physically bonded to you - of your body molded to their chemistry, producing their needs, entwining their 20 pound little body against your chest and belly... 

And when finally the nights of constant waking and contorted necks, days of back aches, starvation, unquenchable thirst and hourly enslavement is done ... 

The movie starts playing... The first time you held them at their 20 inch size, the tiny eyes meeting yours, that powdery, wet-skin smell, that little grasp of fingers around your thumb in the night, the first giggle, the proud, wide-eyed look of accomplishment when that turn-on-tummy happens, the high squeal cooing, first fascination hearing Elmo on TV, delight of squishing rice against their face, sucking toes, first time saying "mama" to you , two-foot-tall with arms reaching wide out for you, the nuzzling face against your shoulder, squat dancing to the radio, chasing bugs, the falls, the pudgy, scraped knees, the ice packs, the whimpers, sand in the mouth, sand in the diaper, grass in the mouth, grass in the hair, running after the ball and tripping, running after you...and laughing - big mouth, squinty eyes, three-teeth-grins that always ended warm in your arms...

I always heard about this downturn when you finally got free from breastfeeding, but I never had the "miss you" yet...when I stopped breastfeeding Elia, I was already two months pregnant with Kana'i - my breasts never stopped feeling a bit full, my last two pounds never dropped, my hunger and exhaustion never left.

3 years I've felt demanded of. Consumed. Belonging to others. Owned. Without identity beside a body that depleted its nutrition, sleep, pleasure, friendships, entertainment, and adulthood 24 hours a day. And now the graduation is over. And I'm singing Sara's, "I will remember you, will you remember me..." Like I'm watching a class goodbye-slideshow at Senior Night. 

I'll miss you how fun you think it is just to make faces... 

I'll miss you fitting in this carrier, wanting to be held instead of running free... 

My breasts are back to pre baby size today. The rock solid knots that were splintering my core with any touch to the nipples have subsided some. I have to massage my now small-Cs throughout the day or I feel a tingling that leads to a stiff chest, arm, neck and headache. The leaking had stopped from the right breast. As hormone shifts always causes stress to my face; the series of random breakouts is now only on my right cheek and jawline instead of both cheeks. The dizzy spells have been gone a couple days. The dry skin is leaving. My hair has been shedding more and more each day. An all over itch has been happening. The hunger is gone. I'm drinking a cup of water only to pee it out in an hour instead of my body retaining every ounce in deprivation... Makani has noted my quick irritability and feisty behavior - frustrated it has not resulted in any satisfying excitement for him like usual fiesty days end with... We are in the end of the infant stage of my life and I suddenly feel what I knew would be coming: To reminisce of having them as little babies. No, I don't want more right now at all - I NEED a break for sanity of finding myself again and heck, for the sake of keeping romance and the family together and happy! But now, knowing its done - my body knowing its done, knowing they won't be running to hold me every hour soon enough...

I am going to miss my babies. 

I'll miss you being so small that you hold onto my leg in the jumping castle...

I'll miss you mad at me with that grumpy cold shoulder... 

I'll miss that grin ... 

Always running together... 

I'll miss playing mermaids... 

Fitting you each in an arm.., 

I'll miss the days of hanging out in boxes, before you discovered climbing on tables... 

I'll miss when you always wanted to have the same clothes as me, especially leather jacket...

I'll miss this believe it or not... 

And this moment that makes wherever you both are my home.,, 

Life with a Fisherman

My daughter keeps asking why our backyard smells so stinky. Her little tykes slide is facing the area her dad dumped the remaining fish guts last week. It's like that rotten smell of produce except with a sulfuric ash aftertaste. The salt water and grime of squishy insides - things i'm hoping my one year old son doesn't see or he will eat it....Yep. He's a real boy, apparently. He likes dirt. Being Barefoot. throwing rocks. Grinding teeth on rocks to my dismay. Checks out his member with smiles. And when Daddy brings home a cooler of fish fresh caught that day, with ice brimming to the top, Kana'i gets sooo excited that he leans over, diving head first into the cooler, saying one of the only words he can, "Fflllliiiisshh!"

We eat fish pretty regularly, except Makani is the only one who really knows how to scale them, clean them, slice them without damaging the parts we wanna eat ... He eats everything though - sucks a fried head or tail till the bones are left. He knows which fish tastes better or which texture can uphold what cooking style. My favorite is the Oio (bonefish) made into fried patty cakes that he mixes with vegetables and spices. Our kids can be pretty picky but they will always that dish😊. Of course, I don't know if they realize the same fish in the cooler is what's on their plate. Elia is three and huge fan of Nemo so, I'm sure there will be a day we have drama about eating fish...I love it though. Besides the stinky backyard (God Makani, did you really have to dump it so close to the kids play area?), I love how fresh we receive it, the taste, how healthy it is, and how natural it is for Makani to obtain.

Of course, Makani so confindently wanted to take baby Elia out on a trolling boat at 6 months old, out in the deep waters. Ahhh!!! Mommy alert was firing! He said it would be a "couple hours" but if you really know fisherman tales - it's always exaggerated - more like 6 hours. And even two hours or taking an infant out on a boat in sea at all is damn nuts. But that's just it. To be as hard core of a waterman as Makani and these guys he hangs with are, you gotta be a little nuts...coming home from a long day working to not even shower, pack a bag of shrimp for bait, restring a reel that took a couple hours to clean, grab Toby's (reef shoes), polarized brown shades (to see through the wading water), excited to stand still in cold ocean with all that equipment strapped on your back for hours in the wind - not even guaranteed a catch - means you must really have a love for this.He doesn't go as much as he used to since babies were born - I mean hell, I need help with the kids being so little since we don't have immediate family here and he works 7 days outta 7 self employed. But it defiantly is fun seeing the kids all excited when he does come back with a salty truck and a white cooler filled with a catch. Best part is Makani stays happy and calmed down being alone in the sea.

Sometimes we go with him for shore fishing. We got the little one strapped to my back and the other wearing Toby's too. Elia can hold a pole pretty well now - since she could just barely talk, she would say, " Daddy and Elia go fishing." Kana'i, the baby, charges into the ocean wide-eyed, as soon as he sees it. He has no fear about sea creatures - hands straight to hold the slimy molusk snail, shrimp, fish whatever he can. Must be in the blood somewhat I guess. Fishermen have a kind of personality, not everyone can handle that type of hard labor, patient waiting, rocking waters, sunburn, winds, sharks and beasts within inches next to them ... The dirty. Oh yes, the ability to stomach blood and guts daily, mold and grime, excrement, rotten, and not mention dirty language. They are tough and warm hearted. It's a dying trade amount the younger generations. 

One in the garage... 

Of course, Makani has his own style - that means life with him is moldy smelling board shorts left in bathroom, bedroom, living room, garage and kitchen as he just strips whenever he comes in wherever that may be. Great food. A lot of salt in the pantry. Like do we need a fifth container of Hawaiian salt, really? And yes, I bought you more dried Opi (shrimp) to cook with the Oio can you stop asking.

These don't include what is inside... 

More by the garage .... 

Next to Chicks and Cars, Coolers are the hottest ticket. He's streaming sale ads for COOLER DEALS on the regular. Like, I avoid sending him to Sams Club for household items because he will always forget the list in his hand once he sees a cooler. Could be worse addictions. 😉 So I've just accepted that my kids and backyard will be smelling like moldy sea and fish guts. I've gotten used to them tripping over fishing poles in the office, climbing coolers like stairs, and spending hours excited over the "ugly fat snake Daddy took out of the shell". I know now that "you wanna go to the beach, babe?" Really means, " let's go to the shoreline where there's not much sand for the kids and no soft shorebreak for them to swim safely in, wade in cold water with rashguards and shorts so you can't get a tan, snacking on bait of bread and dried shrimp while Dad gets a fish," ... And I'll say?

YES!

Life before kids

I was a year out of college when I met Makani - and was trying to breathe after an early adulthood start (out of house at 16, in college by 17), a BSBA, long term boyfriends and managing retail shops, before getting serious in life again... So, I was having fun modeling and working promotions, getting in free to clubs and events, socially exploring, dating steadily but thinking kids would be another 6/7 years... But of course, I was pregnant within 6 months of Makani and I getting together, unexpectedly, and terrified. I was not afraid about being a mom but ... So soon? And without having had lived together yet or having a solid plan? Scariest decision I've ever made but so glad I decided to go ahead with having babies - they made both of us have to bond deeper than ever as friends, lovers, and parents but also in facing your true wants and needs on life... Things we don't usually know until confronted. 

A couple months into our relationship in 2011, at a bikini competition for Beach Angels Calendar shot by Orlando Benedicto...

Ha! I used to drink a couple bottles of wine nightly, no problem, and get up early to even walk and jog to work sometimes. Now, I can barely have one glass of wine before I'm too tired to handle waking up the every two hours in the night to breastfeed or change a diaper. And never can I leave the house on foot with two of them both needing diapers and food, both needing to be carried half the time, and not to mention your energy level drained to oblivion. I used to spend $40 at the grocery store without worrying that I would have to go back if I forgot something. Now it's $180 and a bitch to have to drag two fussy, tired toddlers into shop anywhere. I used to have only a Tampon, lip gloss, swimsuit and towel in my car. Now I have diapers, wipes, blankets, crunchy snacks, plastic bags (just in case), extra shoes, thermometers and band aids (just in case), water bottles, sippy cups, stuffed animals, books, Barbie, fake cell phone, dinosaur figurines, umbrella, a double stroller, a zoo pass, lotion for my ever-dry-from-washing hands, a shit load of crumbs stuffed into every crevice of the back seat...and god knows, I never get to listen to the car radio since my daughter started singing "Up, Down, Fuck you up."

 ...but would I change it? 

Celebrating officially, "We are Pregnant and Keeping Baby" with both excitement and fear...

Never.