Hello Age 30

Last day of of my twenties, people.

We started 29 about to birth the third child in a 4.5 year time period. 6 years of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding has me beat. Feels good to know I gave them all I could in their earliest times - from womb till that magical one-year-mark when here in Hawaii, we celebrate with a huge wedding-sized luau (that's next month)...

April 2017

10am this morning.

I'm going through headshots from yesterday’s shoot with Kaveh. Two coffees down. holding baby Haea in left arm propped up against my left leg, pressed against the table, while she sucks away under my shirt, teeth latched on to the left nipple which means you can’t just pull her off or it is a skin rip. I’m basically stuck in this position till queen-bee decides she's done, could be 20 min or more.

I first shot with Kaveh in 2010 in the Waikiki, two-bedroom apartment I had before Makani, before babies. We had gorgeous wood floors and a lot of natural light coming in at that place, so it was a perfect mini studio for that first shot together. I didn’t know much about the dark-featured guy who ran after me to give me his card while on the set of “4 Wedding Planners”, but my gut is usually right and has proved some very valuable friends. 

Age 22

After all these years of shooting with Kaveh and our after-talks over coffee, I had never actually worked in his home until yesterday. Your home says a lot about your personality, your values, your habits…and I have to say his is lovely. Clean, slick marble counters, bamboo floors kept in perfect condition with lots of floor to ceiling windows and sliding doors letting in the natural light and crisper air of the higher-breezes of the Wilhelmina hills. His ancestry shows in the gorgeous, reddish, maroon Persian rugs throughout the living room and bedroom. The years he spent in Europe and French Canadian cities also shows in the minimalist type decor, the architectural details allowing linear spaces, the red, Italian-leather barstools, compact storage and modern, sleek, pendant-hanging lights. The Bookshelf of spiritual enlightenment, Bhagavad Gita, Teachings of Krishna, and mediation prayers all reflect the beauty of his late wife, a yoga teacher from Mexico. It takes a certain kind of person to attract such a peace seeking person. I mentioned to him that it shows me how kind and good of a person he must be to have her and a home that feels so clean and transparent.

We’ve changed a diaper and switched boobs since the first paragraph by the way…left handed typing is a skill I've yet to master. Kids are fighting over the iPad show. I have to let them watch it while I work. Can’t get anything done unless they are entertained or sleeping. Its basically a wreck of toys and shoes ever since Haea started crawling - that’s just life with toddlers folks. I put her down a second ago and she's half up the stairs already. I’d love to just block off the whole foray with a big baby gate - those big ones are a little harder to find on this island and it also requires a little handyman skills to set it into place which has been last on my list of ‘to-dos’ between the constant need to clean cooking materials to make the next healthy meal, or shi-shi bed linens that need to be washed yet again for the third time this week. I also just got through the tax documents that were due the previous month and and sorting through the files to box away in those banker boxes… And Elia is breaking my thoughts with, “Mom, Kanai is eating pizza on the couch, again!”

Ugh. That boy is the rebel. “Kanai, are you supposed to eat on the couch?” silence. “Kanai, get on the table, you know better.” ….wait for it…

“AHHHHH” his scrunched angry 3-yr-old face about to turn tantrum as I give him the mama-bitch look (You all wonder why moms can’t relax… you go clean my couch everyday then). He sees my look. Swallows his cry. Pout of defeat. Yep, you know better, baby.

We are now looking at shot number 209 of 378 photos to go through from the 2.5 hour shoot. Pretty typical for a portfolio shoot for me. This is the stuff people don’t realize takes so long - the going through the 300 photos and narrowing them down to ones that don’t have your eyes closed, your strands of hair blowing across your lipstick, your panties showing through with the light at that angle, or how that one pose of you hitched in that pair of jeans causes some love handles to overflow and cause completed distraction away from your face… Then of course, you have to go though editing, which thank god, Kaveh is so experienced in, of which, you crop out or smudge out the bra strap or the electrical outlet on the wall behind you. 

Can't lie, it's been a very consuming year. The more kids you have, the more your body wears down, the more your lack of sleep and drain of nutrients shows, the more mouths you have to prep food for, get vitamins for, shop healthy fresh groceries for. The more beds to buy and loads of laundry to pretreat, wash, dry, fold and put away. The more appointments you have to keep track of, time schedules to have plugged into a calendar, alarms to have as reminders for the bath, the gymnastics, the payments due for someones health insurance, school bill or hula class. It's harder to work on anything at all with someone always calling mom, crying, needing help to reach the sink to wash their doo-doo hands or needing to vampire-suck you dry every hour or so... cost of sitters goes up to and trying to find the right people to fit your integrity, energy level for your children, your lifestyle and your budget is more and more challenging each added child. Your love life definitely gets the hardest test and tug of your abilities. But hey, thats what i hear from every couple with infants... it's just part of it.

Getting away to get back into a non-mom day is a big deal. So hopefully, we can get a handful of the hundreds of shots to be a good selection showing what I am now - a little more worn in then I was a few years ago, some wrinkles around the eyes, a few gray hairs that came and went, the pressure from pregnancy weight stretched my shoe size out a half size more. At least I am more comfortable in my skin than before, more cut-to-the-chase with time as I no longer have time as a luxury. As the therapists, doctors, and clinic professional said to me at the most recent postpartum check up I had, the moms who have the least depression and the most energy to care for their kids are the ones who take their own individuality seriously, and make time for themselves more than the others because they refuel when they feel the have their own life in addition to their family instead of their life revolving solely around their family. So that the mission this year, this decade really - getting back to me. Its definitely a balancing act, one day at a time… so here we go, age 30.

Headshot by Kaveh Kardan 3/19/2018

When Your Kid Eats Poo

I never thought that would be my kid. Really, I don't think any mom predicts what chaos is lurking around every growth marker those first few years of child raising. But sh*t happens. Some kids are easy and their moms have no clue how easy they have it. Some kids are slower to catch on to things and others are way too fast to keep up with...

I've always given a lot of independence to my kids in the sense that, I don't just sit and play and cuddle with them because reality is, I need to maintain the daily life of housework, bookkeeping, grocery shopping and healthy meals which means, I need them to be self proactive for a bit in order to get through a few minuets of a task. Some moms don't care bout a clean house or organized work - understandably, your life is tied to the attached little guy, wacky hormones, no sleep, and breastfeeding - but I die if I don't have order. Maybe it is just that business sense in me but I need things to be clean, structured, easy to find; I hate clutter, I hate knowing bacteria is growing, I have a need for progress and balance, I hate to have unfinished work sitting on a desk, I hate an unbalanced account, I like things done on time. So, yes, I need to clean the piles of dishes so I have the pots and pans I need to cook the next meal (we have no dishwasher - old house) which we will be hungry for in an hour. So, I left Kana'i alone in the playroom with the non-choke-able toys and stuffed animals while PBS (the only safe channel you don't have to monitor for attitude, backtalk, meanness, or teen drama) is playing softly on the TV in the background - more than enough to stimulate him for literally the five minutes I am washing the two frying pans and three mugs (that's all!!!), right? Wrong. I guess that wasn't enough for him. Boredom? just curious? It happened only once ever, but still... 

So I hear some crawling on the wooden living room floors (one room over from the tiled kitchen), ok. I hear a friction noise, like cloth being rubbed against each other - but its hard to make out with the water running... "Kana'i?!" I call out, still soapy hands in running water. 

"EEhhhuuuggghhh" a weird belch sound... Oh no, is he throwing up?! 

Hand on my leg suddenly, its sticky. I look down at the little body bobbing round my knees. He's looking down...a penis. No diaper! Damn! I frantically look for a diaper around us... a few feet away - there it is, open, and dark mud like doo-doo in it... and the "mud" on the floor... and SMEARED out a few inches and then a couple drops on a trail to me... and a hand print of doo-doo right near to where we stand... F***. 

"NO! Kana'i!" I'm cringing. Wiping off my hands to attack that mess when he looks up and me and smiles -

BLACK TEETH. LIPS PASTED...

You ate your f***ing doo-doo!!!!??????

Holding back a hurl. Closed my eyes. Swallowed. You can do this. I just picked him up. Held him out far from me while he starts crying. I couldn't look at him. My face and reaction must of made him realize something was wrong. He was belting out now - mouth wide open with the chunks of doo-doo falling on the way to the bathroom. Straight into the shower - I just grabbed running water and started spurring it into his mouth, scraping out the sides of his teeth and cheeks with my hands. Don't puke. Don't puke. 

He was traumatized I guess, since he never tried it again... He's done a ton else since though. Curiosity didn't kill the cat. 

Like the other week, I'm in the bathroom for the few minuets I need to be a basic human and somehow, he has learned to push his little white chair up against the dresser to reach the diapering materials, and grabbed the baby powder. By the time I got out of the bathroom, he had baby-powdered their ENTIRE room (they share). All the toys, the bed, the table, the stuffed animals, his sister's barbies (and worse, their hair), the mini play kitchen, their shoes and the rug were covered in white powder. I got to most of it before I decided to take pictures for the sake of venting later. But the vacuum couldn't get all the powder stuck in creases or in places like the bed sheets (which you just have to shake out and wash) or things like the barbie hair... It is just really a bi-otch to have to clean when you already have a million other things to do, appointments to make, groceries to buy before traffic hits, and a very tired pregnant body. 

And then of course, he did that again. Even though I moved the baby powder, twice. Time-outs didn't seem to matter. Baby powder was too fun, I guess. So then you loose your cool and either yell at him or break down and cry by the third time...

And honestly, it's hard to stay mad at your sweet baby's face... especially when he now can say, "I sorry! Hold you! Snuggle Peez!" in-between tears... And then they do things that make you feel sorry for them, instead of mad at them... Like, when he gets stuck in the support rails of the chair and is freaking out until you rescue him (pic below).

I mean, every kid really is different. So all you mama's saying, "My kid would never-" you really don't know... Elia never did this kinda stuff, but Kana'i is just more fearless. He charged into the ocean when he could barely walk - not caring that he was choking on water, while Elia would scream and run from the wave that barely made it past her knees. Elia wanted to keep her clothes clean or change if getting dirty, but Kana'i is always covered in fish slime or dirt or whatever meat-dish was for lunch. Elia follows a bug around excited; Kana'i touches the bug and licks his fingers. Ugh. Boy vs. Girl? Maybe. But then some moms never catch their boys eating poo or interested in their diaper area...

Two weeks ago, I walked out of my room after being on the phone with insurance. I had to be in a room away from the kids as they always make noise and want all your attention everytime you get on the phone (all you parents know this is true, all you doubters, just wait till you have kids). I noticed it was very QUIET (=mischief)... Kana'i is bent over, butt naked (he can take off all his clothes at barely two years old, apparently), holding himself up with one hand, while the other hand is holding the pretend doctor thermometer from those toy kits, trying to stick the thermometer into his - you know.

"NO!" I yell. Don't yell. Don't scare him or he'll hurt himself. Be calm. "Kana'i, Honey, don't move." Smile. Holy F***! I hope it's not already in there! I walked over briskly and he rose up, showed me the thermometer in his hand and proudly says with a huge grin, "My butt!" 

I checked his okole - no redness, no swelling... couldn't see anything else in there. Whew. Ok. He's ok. But then I look around. He has the entire Play-Doctor Kit out, all the tools lined up and he is pointing to them all one by one saying proudly, "My butt. My butt. My butt..." 

Clorox. Everything. Spray. Soak. Dried. Sprayed again. Sprayed and cleaned all the toys that were out around the kit and possibly apart of the doctor ordeal. It was a long afternoon. A lot of "Honey, we only play like this with this, ok?" ... We never take his temperature that way - So I don't even know how he would have thought to do that. He doesn't see us put anything down there - and our doctor doesn't either. No, I didn't get a picture. Some moments are too exceptional to remember to capture. 

So conclusion? What to you do when your kid is the kind that eats poo, makes a mess, sticks things where they shouldn't go? I don't really know. I just do my best to get through it, calm down, tell him I love him, that it's ok - And try to remember, it can always be worse. 

A Model Day

11:30am. Friday. One of my part time day care days. Finally, after 3 weeks of a hacking cough, no voice, hoarse voice, chest pains, headaches, and dropping in constant need for sleep, I'm feeling better. I had to cancel an audition last week, cancel my classes I coach for the week before, cancel my son's scheduled shots, all because the cold virus turned into a bacterial chest infection for both me and baby Kana'i. No one else in the family got it bad because they got to sleep it off unlike mom; mom who must always wake up to tend the coughs and sobs of the children (who can otherwise end up at the ER not breathing from the throat swelling up😳), attend to their need for comfort in the day and night, give the nebulizer (steam mask breather machine that delivers medicine to open the passageways of the chest, lungs, throat and clear bacteria) every 6 hours, give the Antibiotics in morning and night, give the warm bathes and prepare the warm soups, therefore never getting enough rest or sleep herself...hence I was on strong Antibiotics usually prescribed for pneumonia. Anyway, because I could finally take the kids into daycare for a few hours this week, and the antibiotics cleared me all up except for the leftover minor nasally voice, I could continue some life of my own (about f***'n time!).

After my hair cut with Khole, at Macy's Salon in Honolulu, who I've been going to for 4 years now.  

So this week's work life consisted of catching up on the aftermath of an informal fashion show I coordinated last weekend, organizing a wardrobe collection for today's shoot, yoga to try to maintain some figure and body vibrancy, meetings, consulting on model hiring for another upcoming fashion show, getting a gel polish manicure so that my short broken nails would look decently professional for the upcoming work, getting my hair trimmed to keep it on par with the industry expectations of clean ends and versitle, this morning was an audition, and in a few hours, the photoshoot I spoke of. And yes, the kids causing absolute havoc Inbetween.... 

My neutral pallet is always preferred for modeling jobs as it does not attract attention away from the fashions being featured. My short nails do better with the strengthening gel coat that goes Inbetween the base and gel color polish.  

"So what is that like? " I get this a lot. "How do you run a fashion show?" "How do you audition?" "How do you prep for a Photoshoot?" "What happens at a Photoshoot?" 

I can't tell ALL or I'd be breaking confidentiality, but I can tell some 😊... 

The models wearing Poshd Fashions by designer and botique owner, Valerie Joseph. 

So here are some pictures of the models I hired for an informal fashion show that took place last Saturday, at a Low Tea for Mother's Day. Three of these girls I trained myself, so I knew their caliber in performance would be clean, confident, walking with grace on heels, makeup done with detail and correctly, professional in attitude (which is the hardest part about hiring young models before they are experienced in out-of-school life); they were dependable, beautiful, and reputable, which is why I sought them out for my client. Luckily, our designer was amazingly open to working with them, under short notice, and happy to style them for her featured show. While the show was last weekend, it takes awhile for paperwork, the correspondences to go back and forth between the client hiring, the models, the staff involved. So my work this week I ncluded making sure everyone was satisfied with the results of performances, attendance to the event, exposure at the event, personalities of the team, and most importantly, compensation - which I just mailed out. 

During the the actual show, models were required to show up ahead of time to learn the walk routine, get into the first outfit, confirm the outfit order with the designer and finalize the hair and makeup. I always bring my makeup and hair spray/accessories as there is always someone needing more concealer around their eyes, more eyeliner or an extra shade on the crease, blush, powder to soften a Cakey foundation job, or baby wipes to clean up...

The show taking place at Stage Resturant in the HOnolulu Design Center. More of Poshd Fashions can be found at Ward Center. 

The Auditions. Well, can't tell you for who or where but I can say what is always the consistent thing: 

• You have to be asked to come by an agent, casting director, or someone who is directly tied to that production. And then, you don't tell details about it others who might want to show up.

• Being on time to the appointment time you commit to, matters. Being more than ten min late is noted and an irritation to directors who also tell your agent...

• There is an expectation of hygiene - no bad breath, stained clothes, dirt under nails, food between teeth, sweat smells. 

• there is an expectation of wearing clothes that match the part you are trying out for - that takes some research sometimes if I don't know the brand or the type of description being communicated.  

• Most talent DO NOT get Most of the jobs they auditioned for. So that's the hard part...taking the risk for no pay after you've changed your work and family life to fit in that audition, washed and ironed those clothes especially for the part, bought a special foundation because that week you were so stressed you broke out and your Reg make-up won't cover it... It's not all glamour or everyone would do it. 

• A lot of people are involved in the audition process so sometimes you are meeting multiple people at the casting, or being interviewed, being asked to bring photos, compcards, resumes, a portfolio book of work or sometimes not asked to bring anything because THEY'VE ALREADY GOOGLED YOU 😳 ...basically know, you can't please everyone or have all the perfect self marketing materials so, you are just a human meeting other humans like all other jobs 😉...except with heels or with a camera in your face.

What I wore to today's audition and my portfolio that was not looked through, since they already recognized me from previous work. By hey, you never know... 

Today I was asked to speak many different lines in different tones, expressions, and scenarios all while standing in place with a blank colored wall behind me. Imagination. Comfortable being cheesey. Can't be shame in this biz.  

And then there is right now... Getting the clothes together for a shoot. I have to make sure they are not wrinkled or stained and have matching shoes and underwear that won't show through...I hang them up on the mini garnet rack that will be then put in the car to drive them to the outdoor shoot location. Portable garnet rack - one of the things people asking me to bring thinking I had one so guess it's about time I had one. Business investments. Part of it. 

While I'm waiting for the designer to come over (we are getting ready and going to location together), I am eating. Greek yogurt, oranges, blueberries, granola, flax seeds, cacao nibs, and honey. I eat light before a shoot so not to bloat or get tired. I try to eat before the makeup retouch so I'm not messing that up or having to Reaaply lip gloss after brushing teeth. Hair straightener is plugged in on standby, ready when I've finished this bowl. 

So, I've got my hair pulled back to build on more foundation since I'm unfortuently still with hormonal skin (more in that in another post)... Talk after with updates from the shoot 😊... 

Update: Shot in the hills above Kaimuki around sunset. Since it was a jewelry shoot, the shots were mostly focused on the face, hands, chest up. I need some updated head shots so hopefully these suffice. It takes a couple weeks for 300+ shots to be narrowed down to 20 usable shots (between the photographer, designer or production team). The editing of those final chosen is what takes long - to make sure the blemishes that can be subdued, are, the lighting enhancing the desired feature, the background distractions blurred if possible. It takes hours. Bout 5 of the entire shoot becomes actually ad (print) worthy due to overexposure a, the wind blowing a strand of hair, the jewelry not being straight like intended or getting half covered behind hair, or eyes closed (first time models have that as a common frustration) or an awkward body position makes the fashions unappealing...that is why modeling takes some patience and flexibility to adjust to the factors each moment of flash at a time...

With Kaveh Kardan 📷 by Charity Poole

It was fun today! Starting the mood is the hardest part. But once you get into the first 20 shots, modeling becomes natural. It's learning to block out the distractions of other people in the background starring, letting the product/fashions be the focus - not you, and keeping movements very slow and minimal to allow the photographer to catch that angle & feeling you give. Actual shots to come out soon... 

@charity_poole

Life with a Fisherman

My daughter keeps asking why our backyard smells so stinky. Her little tykes slide is facing the area her dad dumped the remaining fish guts last week. It's like that rotten smell of produce except with a sulfuric ash aftertaste. The salt water and grime of squishy insides - things i'm hoping my one year old son doesn't see or he will eat it....Yep. He's a real boy, apparently. He likes dirt. Being Barefoot. throwing rocks. Grinding teeth on rocks to my dismay. Checks out his member with smiles. And when Daddy brings home a cooler of fish fresh caught that day, with ice brimming to the top, Kana'i gets sooo excited that he leans over, diving head first into the cooler, saying one of the only words he can, "Fflllliiiisshh!"

We eat fish pretty regularly, except Makani is the only one who really knows how to scale them, clean them, slice them without damaging the parts we wanna eat ... He eats everything though - sucks a fried head or tail till the bones are left. He knows which fish tastes better or which texture can uphold what cooking style. My favorite is the Oio (bonefish) made into fried patty cakes that he mixes with vegetables and spices. Our kids can be pretty picky but they will always that dish😊. Of course, I don't know if they realize the same fish in the cooler is what's on their plate. Elia is three and huge fan of Nemo so, I'm sure there will be a day we have drama about eating fish...I love it though. Besides the stinky backyard (God Makani, did you really have to dump it so close to the kids play area?), I love how fresh we receive it, the taste, how healthy it is, and how natural it is for Makani to obtain.

Of course, Makani so confindently wanted to take baby Elia out on a trolling boat at 6 months old, out in the deep waters. Ahhh!!! Mommy alert was firing! He said it would be a "couple hours" but if you really know fisherman tales - it's always exaggerated - more like 6 hours. And even two hours or taking an infant out on a boat in sea at all is damn nuts. But that's just it. To be as hard core of a waterman as Makani and these guys he hangs with are, you gotta be a little nuts...coming home from a long day working to not even shower, pack a bag of shrimp for bait, restring a reel that took a couple hours to clean, grab Toby's (reef shoes), polarized brown shades (to see through the wading water), excited to stand still in cold ocean with all that equipment strapped on your back for hours in the wind - not even guaranteed a catch - means you must really have a love for this.He doesn't go as much as he used to since babies were born - I mean hell, I need help with the kids being so little since we don't have immediate family here and he works 7 days outta 7 self employed. But it defiantly is fun seeing the kids all excited when he does come back with a salty truck and a white cooler filled with a catch. Best part is Makani stays happy and calmed down being alone in the sea.

Sometimes we go with him for shore fishing. We got the little one strapped to my back and the other wearing Toby's too. Elia can hold a pole pretty well now - since she could just barely talk, she would say, " Daddy and Elia go fishing." Kana'i, the baby, charges into the ocean wide-eyed, as soon as he sees it. He has no fear about sea creatures - hands straight to hold the slimy molusk snail, shrimp, fish whatever he can. Must be in the blood somewhat I guess. Fishermen have a kind of personality, not everyone can handle that type of hard labor, patient waiting, rocking waters, sunburn, winds, sharks and beasts within inches next to them ... The dirty. Oh yes, the ability to stomach blood and guts daily, mold and grime, excrement, rotten, and not mention dirty language. They are tough and warm hearted. It's a dying trade amount the younger generations. 

One in the garage... 

Of course, Makani has his own style - that means life with him is moldy smelling board shorts left in bathroom, bedroom, living room, garage and kitchen as he just strips whenever he comes in wherever that may be. Great food. A lot of salt in the pantry. Like do we need a fifth container of Hawaiian salt, really? And yes, I bought you more dried Opi (shrimp) to cook with the Oio can you stop asking.

These don't include what is inside... 

More by the garage .... 

Next to Chicks and Cars, Coolers are the hottest ticket. He's streaming sale ads for COOLER DEALS on the regular. Like, I avoid sending him to Sams Club for household items because he will always forget the list in his hand once he sees a cooler. Could be worse addictions. 😉 So I've just accepted that my kids and backyard will be smelling like moldy sea and fish guts. I've gotten used to them tripping over fishing poles in the office, climbing coolers like stairs, and spending hours excited over the "ugly fat snake Daddy took out of the shell". I know now that "you wanna go to the beach, babe?" Really means, " let's go to the shoreline where there's not much sand for the kids and no soft shorebreak for them to swim safely in, wade in cold water with rashguards and shorts so you can't get a tan, snacking on bait of bread and dried shrimp while Dad gets a fish," ... And I'll say?

YES!