The Withdrawls

It's midnight. Everyone is sleeping which means I'd usually be in grateful bliss passing out without hesitation, exhausted from days of constant giving, no food till lunch, no sitting down because of the constant mess or need to physically remove one waddler from the danger... And all can do is go through my photo stream... Savoring each capture of glee and little laughing cheeks beaming... and wondering if I'll be missing the diaper waddle and floors covered in crumbs and stained from juice puddles enough to ... Want another one one day. 😅 Holy hell, don't let yourself give in! After that drawn-out birth story?!😳 I know, I know! Don't worry! I won't! ... I'll just cry at night over the little 4 inch shoes I'll secretly keep in the closet forever...

the down.  

This is it.  

When the last of the baby hormones leave. The hormones high and low is ligit. You carry the pregnancy hormones in your body till you are done breastfeeding - the hormones act as a survival for the baby, enhancing your senses, sensitivity, keeping you plump for the milk supply, and triggering your emotions ... I never felt the low I always heard breastfeeding mothers talk of - the crying for days, the loss of appetite suddenly, weight gain and loss in days, and the mood swings -since I had two babies in a row without stopping the breastfeeding before getting pregnant again, the hormones never left yet... One year and four months of a child physically bonded to you - of your body molded to their chemistry, producing their needs, entwining their 20 pound little body against your chest and belly... 

And when finally the nights of constant waking and contorted necks, days of back aches, starvation, unquenchable thirst and hourly enslavement is done ... 

The movie starts playing... The first time you held them at their 20 inch size, the tiny eyes meeting yours, that powdery, wet-skin smell, that little grasp of fingers around your thumb in the night, the first giggle, the proud, wide-eyed look of accomplishment when that turn-on-tummy happens, the high squeal cooing, first fascination hearing Elmo on TV, delight of squishing rice against their face, sucking toes, first time saying "mama" to you , two-foot-tall with arms reaching wide out for you, the nuzzling face against your shoulder, squat dancing to the radio, chasing bugs, the falls, the pudgy, scraped knees, the ice packs, the whimpers, sand in the mouth, sand in the diaper, grass in the mouth, grass in the hair, running after the ball and tripping, running after you...and laughing - big mouth, squinty eyes, three-teeth-grins that always ended warm in your arms...

I always heard about this downturn when you finally got free from breastfeeding, but I never had the "miss you" yet...when I stopped breastfeeding Elia, I was already two months pregnant with Kana'i - my breasts never stopped feeling a bit full, my last two pounds never dropped, my hunger and exhaustion never left.

3 years I've felt demanded of. Consumed. Belonging to others. Owned. Without identity beside a body that depleted its nutrition, sleep, pleasure, friendships, entertainment, and adulthood 24 hours a day. And now the graduation is over. And I'm singing Sara's, "I will remember you, will you remember me..." Like I'm watching a class goodbye-slideshow at Senior Night. 

I'll miss you how fun you think it is just to make faces... 

I'll miss you fitting in this carrier, wanting to be held instead of running free... 

My breasts are back to pre baby size today. The rock solid knots that were splintering my core with any touch to the nipples have subsided some. I have to massage my now small-Cs throughout the day or I feel a tingling that leads to a stiff chest, arm, neck and headache. The leaking had stopped from the right breast. As hormone shifts always causes stress to my face; the series of random breakouts is now only on my right cheek and jawline instead of both cheeks. The dizzy spells have been gone a couple days. The dry skin is leaving. My hair has been shedding more and more each day. An all over itch has been happening. The hunger is gone. I'm drinking a cup of water only to pee it out in an hour instead of my body retaining every ounce in deprivation... Makani has noted my quick irritability and feisty behavior - frustrated it has not resulted in any satisfying excitement for him like usual fiesty days end with... We are in the end of the infant stage of my life and I suddenly feel what I knew would be coming: To reminisce of having them as little babies. No, I don't want more right now at all - I NEED a break for sanity of finding myself again and heck, for the sake of keeping romance and the family together and happy! But now, knowing its done - my body knowing its done, knowing they won't be running to hold me every hour soon enough...

I am going to miss my babies. 

I'll miss you being so small that you hold onto my leg in the jumping castle...

I'll miss you mad at me with that grumpy cold shoulder... 

I'll miss that grin ... 

Always running together... 

I'll miss playing mermaids... 

Fitting you each in an arm.., 

I'll miss the days of hanging out in boxes, before you discovered climbing on tables... 

I'll miss when you always wanted to have the same clothes as me, especially leather jacket...

I'll miss this believe it or not... 

And this moment that makes wherever you both are my home.,, 

Life with a Fisherman

My daughter keeps asking why our backyard smells so stinky. Her little tykes slide is facing the area her dad dumped the remaining fish guts last week. It's like that rotten smell of produce except with a sulfuric ash aftertaste. The salt water and grime of squishy insides - things i'm hoping my one year old son doesn't see or he will eat it....Yep. He's a real boy, apparently. He likes dirt. Being Barefoot. throwing rocks. Grinding teeth on rocks to my dismay. Checks out his member with smiles. And when Daddy brings home a cooler of fish fresh caught that day, with ice brimming to the top, Kana'i gets sooo excited that he leans over, diving head first into the cooler, saying one of the only words he can, "Fflllliiiisshh!"

We eat fish pretty regularly, except Makani is the only one who really knows how to scale them, clean them, slice them without damaging the parts we wanna eat ... He eats everything though - sucks a fried head or tail till the bones are left. He knows which fish tastes better or which texture can uphold what cooking style. My favorite is the Oio (bonefish) made into fried patty cakes that he mixes with vegetables and spices. Our kids can be pretty picky but they will always that dish😊. Of course, I don't know if they realize the same fish in the cooler is what's on their plate. Elia is three and huge fan of Nemo so, I'm sure there will be a day we have drama about eating fish...I love it though. Besides the stinky backyard (God Makani, did you really have to dump it so close to the kids play area?), I love how fresh we receive it, the taste, how healthy it is, and how natural it is for Makani to obtain.

Of course, Makani so confindently wanted to take baby Elia out on a trolling boat at 6 months old, out in the deep waters. Ahhh!!! Mommy alert was firing! He said it would be a "couple hours" but if you really know fisherman tales - it's always exaggerated - more like 6 hours. And even two hours or taking an infant out on a boat in sea at all is damn nuts. But that's just it. To be as hard core of a waterman as Makani and these guys he hangs with are, you gotta be a little nuts...coming home from a long day working to not even shower, pack a bag of shrimp for bait, restring a reel that took a couple hours to clean, grab Toby's (reef shoes), polarized brown shades (to see through the wading water), excited to stand still in cold ocean with all that equipment strapped on your back for hours in the wind - not even guaranteed a catch - means you must really have a love for this.He doesn't go as much as he used to since babies were born - I mean hell, I need help with the kids being so little since we don't have immediate family here and he works 7 days outta 7 self employed. But it defiantly is fun seeing the kids all excited when he does come back with a salty truck and a white cooler filled with a catch. Best part is Makani stays happy and calmed down being alone in the sea.

Sometimes we go with him for shore fishing. We got the little one strapped to my back and the other wearing Toby's too. Elia can hold a pole pretty well now - since she could just barely talk, she would say, " Daddy and Elia go fishing." Kana'i, the baby, charges into the ocean wide-eyed, as soon as he sees it. He has no fear about sea creatures - hands straight to hold the slimy molusk snail, shrimp, fish whatever he can. Must be in the blood somewhat I guess. Fishermen have a kind of personality, not everyone can handle that type of hard labor, patient waiting, rocking waters, sunburn, winds, sharks and beasts within inches next to them ... The dirty. Oh yes, the ability to stomach blood and guts daily, mold and grime, excrement, rotten, and not mention dirty language. They are tough and warm hearted. It's a dying trade amount the younger generations. 

One in the garage... 

Of course, Makani has his own style - that means life with him is moldy smelling board shorts left in bathroom, bedroom, living room, garage and kitchen as he just strips whenever he comes in wherever that may be. Great food. A lot of salt in the pantry. Like do we need a fifth container of Hawaiian salt, really? And yes, I bought you more dried Opi (shrimp) to cook with the Oio can you stop asking.

These don't include what is inside... 

More by the garage .... 

Next to Chicks and Cars, Coolers are the hottest ticket. He's streaming sale ads for COOLER DEALS on the regular. Like, I avoid sending him to Sams Club for household items because he will always forget the list in his hand once he sees a cooler. Could be worse addictions. 😉 So I've just accepted that my kids and backyard will be smelling like moldy sea and fish guts. I've gotten used to them tripping over fishing poles in the office, climbing coolers like stairs, and spending hours excited over the "ugly fat snake Daddy took out of the shell". I know now that "you wanna go to the beach, babe?" Really means, " let's go to the shoreline where there's not much sand for the kids and no soft shorebreak for them to swim safely in, wade in cold water with rashguards and shorts so you can't get a tan, snacking on bait of bread and dried shrimp while Dad gets a fish," ... And I'll say?

YES!

Behind the Scenes at Elia's First Fitting

My daughter is 3. She has been asked to audition for a few print and commercial jobs since 6 months old, but due to the nature of the industry and schedules, did not have a real agency booking until now... (Can't say from who just yet). So what is it like? Fun, yes...but for the mom holding the diapered younger brother through it all, a bit stressful, haha.

Elia was very comfortable auditioning in front of the camera, speaking and smiling with strangers against a blank white wall and a cold, air-conditioned, non-kid space. That was two weeks ago. Makani took her because I was choreographing and conducting a rehearsal for an upcoming fashion show (that just took place this past weekend); he is a great dad - took both the kids alone through the first screening which he is not really used to doing at all (neither auditioning much nor having both kids alone for an appointment). The callback, I took her to - it was a whole hour of waiting with all the kids getting ansy and then being pulled to a seperate camera room without us, the parents, being able to know what went on (because I do this often, I know what happens, but many parents get nervous). She came out saying she put candy on her head, whatever that meant. 

So then we get the confirmation (a day later than we were told to wait for) that she got the job...after I already made plans to have my friends over for a birthday facial and lunch - ahh! I rearranged everything of course! My daughter's first big gig is more important for her self esteem (and convenient for her educational fund). So, fittings are the appointments before the job, of which you try on clothes to be approved by production directors and artistic contributors and so on... It should be easy but because there are usually so many people chimming in, it's not so simple. And well, today's fitting was in Waimanalo at 4pm on a weekday which means a long drive (40 min) to and more so, with traffic on way back (1 hour plus) with toddlers who need to use the bathroom and eat every half hour😆. Mondays are one of the three days I have daycare help (the only days I get to catch up on anything at all!!!) so I picked them up early to be able to first check diapers, give the demanded snack, check mapquest, and make the drive. 

Took us a couple turn arounds to find the place (no numbers in obvious view) but we were there early. Had to strap the little one in the backpack carrier while packing his diapers, wipes, water bottle, and jackets (for the back-and-forth rain going on all day) in a bag, and unbuckle Elia out while trying to keep the other from getting smashed in between us. The norm with two. He's trying to pull out my boob as we walk. Males. And once we meet our contact point, we are given outfits to try on in a nice room of the house. Of course I have to take off everyone's shoes, (hawaii means no shoes indoors) and in order to dress her, I had to let Kana'i out of the carrier in the new, non-babyproofed frontier... Ah!!! Keys banging on the glass table while I'm pulling Elia's shirt off. And then he's trying to stand on the low glass table while I'm buttoning up the pants. Fuck. The others ladies comment, "Wow, you got your hands full." Yes, none of them have a toddler plus another baby. They give me bout 5 outfits to change her into. Of course, Kana'i starts to fuss for my boob. Instead of having an embarrassing tantrum fight, I just pull out the left side, sit on a chair and hold him across with one arm while using the other to hold the collar of Elia's top, instructing her to pull herself backwards in order to get out of it. How else am I supposed to change her alone while he's at his dinner hour? Finally, the 4 heads approve an outfit - then asking me to undress her of course, as Kana'i has broken free and is running hands through the dirt of the landscaped courtyard. Thank you to the other mother who helped to watch him at that moment. And in redoing the whole backpack getup again, I have to pee. I ask Elia if she has to go as I know it will be a long drive. She says no. I'm locked in the bathroom with Kana'i who is opening the sink cabinets and excitedly slamming them shut over and over again as I'm stuck on the toilet in the longest pee, helpless to stop him, and I hear Elia yelling from the other side, "I have to go Potty!"

Life before kids

I was a year out of college when I met Makani - and was trying to breathe after an early adulthood start (out of house at 16, in college by 17), a BSBA, long term boyfriends and managing retail shops, before getting serious in life again... So, I was having fun modeling and working promotions, getting in free to clubs and events, socially exploring, dating steadily but thinking kids would be another 6/7 years... But of course, I was pregnant within 6 months of Makani and I getting together, unexpectedly, and terrified. I was not afraid about being a mom but ... So soon? And without having had lived together yet or having a solid plan? Scariest decision I've ever made but so glad I decided to go ahead with having babies - they made both of us have to bond deeper than ever as friends, lovers, and parents but also in facing your true wants and needs on life... Things we don't usually know until confronted. 

A couple months into our relationship in 2011, at a bikini competition for Beach Angels Calendar shot by Orlando Benedicto...

Ha! I used to drink a couple bottles of wine nightly, no problem, and get up early to even walk and jog to work sometimes. Now, I can barely have one glass of wine before I'm too tired to handle waking up the every two hours in the night to breastfeed or change a diaper. And never can I leave the house on foot with two of them both needing diapers and food, both needing to be carried half the time, and not to mention your energy level drained to oblivion. I used to spend $40 at the grocery store without worrying that I would have to go back if I forgot something. Now it's $180 and a bitch to have to drag two fussy, tired toddlers into shop anywhere. I used to have only a Tampon, lip gloss, swimsuit and towel in my car. Now I have diapers, wipes, blankets, crunchy snacks, plastic bags (just in case), extra shoes, thermometers and band aids (just in case), water bottles, sippy cups, stuffed animals, books, Barbie, fake cell phone, dinosaur figurines, umbrella, a double stroller, a zoo pass, lotion for my ever-dry-from-washing hands, a shit load of crumbs stuffed into every crevice of the back seat...and god knows, I never get to listen to the car radio since my daughter started singing "Up, Down, Fuck you up."

 ...but would I change it? 

Celebrating officially, "We are Pregnant and Keeping Baby" with both excitement and fear...

Never.