It's midnight. Everyone is sleeping which means I'd usually be in grateful bliss passing out without hesitation, exhausted from days of constant giving, no food till lunch, no sitting down because of the constant mess or need to physically remove one waddler from the danger... And all can do is go through my photo stream... Savoring each capture of glee and little laughing cheeks beaming... and wondering if I'll be missing the diaper waddle and floors covered in crumbs and stained from juice puddles enough to ... Want another one one day. 😅 Holy hell, don't let yourself give in! After that drawn-out birth story?!😳 I know, I know! Don't worry! I won't! ... I'll just cry at night over the little 4 inch shoes I'll secretly keep in the closet forever...

the down.

This is it.

When the last of the baby hormones leave. The hormones high and low is ligit. You carry the pregnancy hormones in your body till you are done breastfeeding - the hormones act as a survival for the baby, enhancing your senses, sensitivity, keeping you plump for the milk supply, and triggering your emotions ... I never felt the low I always heard breastfeeding mothers talk of - the crying for days, the loss of appetite suddenly, weight gain and loss in days, and the mood swings -since I had two babies in a row without stopping the breastfeeding before getting pregnant again, the hormones never left yet... One year and four months of a child physically bonded to you - of your body molded to their chemistry, producing their needs, entwining their 20 pound little body against your chest and belly...

And when finally the nights of constant waking and contorted necks, days of back aches, starvation, unquenchable thirst and hourly enslavement is done ...

The movie starts playing... The first time you held them at their 20 inch size, the tiny eyes meeting yours, that powdery, wet-skin smell, that little grasp of fingers around your thumb in the night, the first giggle, the proud, wide-eyed look of accomplishment when that turn-on-tummy happens, the high squeal cooing, first fascination hearing Elmo on TV, delight of squishing rice against their face, sucking toes, first time saying "mama" to you , two-foot-tall with arms reaching wide out for you, the nuzzling face against your shoulder, squat dancing to the radio, chasing bugs, the falls, the pudgy, scraped knees, the ice packs, the whimpers, sand in the mouth, sand in the diaper, grass in the mouth, grass in the hair, running after the ball and tripping, running after you...and laughing - big mouth, squinty eyes, three-teeth-grins that always ended warm in your arms...

I always heard about this downturn when you finally got free from breastfeeding, but I never had the "miss you" yet...when I stopped breastfeeding Elia, I was already two months pregnant with Kana'i - my breasts never stopped feeling a bit full, my last two pounds never dropped, my hunger and exhaustion never left.

3 years I've felt demanded of. Consumed. Belonging to others. Owned. Without identity beside a body that depleted its nutrition, sleep, pleasure, friendships, entertainment, and adulthood 24 hours a day. And now the graduation is over. And I'm singing Sara's, "I will remember you, will you remember me..." Like I'm watching a class goodbye-slideshow at Senior Night.

I'll miss you how fun you think it is just to make faces...

I'll miss you fitting in this carrier, wanting to be held instead of running free...

My breasts are back to pre baby size today. The rock solid knots that were splintering my core with any touch to the nipples have subsided some. I have to massage my now small-Cs throughout the day or I feel a tingling that leads to a stiff chest, arm, neck and headache. The leaking had stopped from the right breast. As hormone shifts always causes stress to my face; the series of random breakouts is now only on my right cheek and jawline instead of both cheeks. The dizzy spells have been gone a couple days. The dry skin is leaving. My hair has been shedding more and more each day. An all over itch has been happening. The hunger is gone. I'm drinking a cup of water only to pee it out in an hour instead of my body retaining every ounce in deprivation... Makani has noted my quick irritability and feisty behavior - frustrated it has not resulted in any satisfying excitement for him like usual fiesty days end with... We are in the end of the infant stage of my life and I suddenly feel what I knew would be coming: To reminisce of having them as little babies. No, I don't want more right now at all - I NEED a break for sanity of finding myself again and heck, for the sake of keeping romance and the family together and happy! But now, knowing its done - my body knowing its done, knowing they won't be running to hold me every hour soon enough...

I am going to miss my babies.

I'll miss you being so small that you hold onto my leg in the jumping castle...

I'll miss you mad at me with that grumpy cold shoulder...

I'll miss the days of hanging out in boxes, before you discovered climbing on tables...

I'll miss when you always wanted to have the same clothes as me, especially leather jacket...

And this moment that makes wherever you both are my home.,,

I was a year out of college when I met Makani - and was trying to breathe after an early adulthood start (out of house at 16, in college by 17), a BSBA, long term boyfriends and managing retail shops, before getting serious in life again... So, I was having fun modeling and working promotions, getting in free to clubs and events, socially exploring, dating steadily but thinking kids would be another 6/7 years... But of course, I was pregnant within 6 months of Makani and I getting together, unexpectedly, and terrified. I was not afraid about being a mom but ... So soon? And without having had lived together yet or having a solid plan? Scariest decision I've ever made but so glad I decided to go ahead with having babies - they made both of us have to bond deeper than ever as friends, lovers, and parents but also in facing your true wants and needs on life... Things we don't usually know until confronted.

A couple months into our relationship in 2011, at a bikini competition for Beach Angels Calendar shot by Orlando Benedicto...

Ha! I used to drink a couple bottles of wine nightly, no problem, and get up early to even walk and jog to work sometimes. Now, I can barely have one glass of wine before I'm too tired to handle waking up the every two hours in the night to breastfeed or change a diaper. And never can I leave the house on foot with two of them both needing diapers and food, both needing to be carried half the time, and not to mention your energy level drained to oblivion. I used to spend $40 at the grocery store without worrying that I would have to go back if I forgot something. Now it's $180 and a bitch to have to drag two fussy, tired toddlers into shop anywhere. I used to have only a Tampon, lip gloss, swimsuit and towel in my car. Now I have diapers, wipes, blankets, crunchy snacks, plastic bags (just in case), extra shoes, thermometers and band aids (just in case), water bottles, sippy cups, stuffed animals, books, Barbie, fake cell phone, dinosaur figurines, umbrella, a double stroller, a zoo pass, lotion for my ever-dry-from-washing hands, a shit load of crumbs stuffed into every crevice of the back seat...and god knows, I never get to listen to the car radio since my daughter started singing "Up, Down, Fuck you up."

...but would I change it?

Celebrating officially, "We are Pregnant and Keeping Baby" with both excitement and fear...

The Withdrawls

Life before kids

...but would I change it?

Never.

Mahalo